Happy Days

So if you don't know me on facebook, you will be pleased to know that I am making new friends. :D

It's a wonderful thing called craigslist that has helped. Yes, bizarre I know. People post ads for friends, and I am not an exception. It has worked wonders lol.

I now have a friend I go to the gym with, and I am going to meet another girl tomorrow for lunch.

I also rediscovered the library - so now that I am reading more I will have a library card to rent with. Yay!

I am on a new medicine now, and it also has been working wonders coupled with my new social life and my more constant gym experience. :)

I'm feeling much better and happier now. Yay for me! Lol.

Hope all is going well with you!

Song of the day:
I've Always Loved You - Third Day

I got it.

So I finally figured out a way to describe the way I feel right now.

I feel like a cat trapped in a bag - struggling to get out. Except the bag is my skin. Pretty picture eh?

I'm even going so far as to try to make friends by answering craigslist ads for friends. I've posted my own ads before, but this time I thought I be on the receiving end instead.

So that's all I had to say.

Song for the second:

Motions by Matthew West
"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day.....

I don't want to spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions"

Grasping at nothing.

I feel like I'm grasping at air, grasping at nothing. I feel as though there are a bed of hot coals under my feet and I need to run but I'm glued to the ground. My body feels such a way that is making me slowly go insane.

I have determined through help of my 'life counselor' that I need to set a schedule for my day and stick to it, to make some things as though they are jobs and that I absolutely have to do.

It seems to be working, but now it's like I'm walking around my house looking for something to do and I can't think of anything. I'm so bored. I'm making activities out of thin air, and even that does not satisfy. It's driving me crazy.

Right now is a perfect example. I have things I can do - like read for next week's homework, read a book of my own, or watch tv or a movie. But it feels like I'm making things up, and it seems so useless.

I don't even make sense anymore.

Anyway, that's really all I have to say. I'm just trying to waste time until it's an appropriate time for me to go to bed. Not because I'm tired, but because I'm bored and that's making me tired.

Song of the day:
Carry me by Josh Wilson
Favorite lyrics:

"I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now "

Just because I like the way it sounds.

I hate it here.

I'm having a lot of difficulties right now.

I don't know if it's because of my medicine, or if it's because these few things in my life really are that intolerable. Did I even use the right word? In- or Un-tolerable? Who even cares?

I used to. Fuck.

I'm going to school online. I hate it. The classes are formatted the same, exactly the same. They go on the same schedule, they do the same thing. All I'm doing is writing papers and trying to read books online. I'm on my computer all the time because of it. And don't get me wrong - it's a great computer. Perfect for it.

But I'm not geared toward schooling like this. I can't stand it. As I said, I hate it. And yet, what the hell else am I supposed to do??

Get a fucking job?! Ya, like that's so fucking easy. I've gone this long without one, how do you think I've managed to? I hate it here. I miss Colorado. I hate everything here - it's horrible. I miss the life I had. I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

It's like a mantra for me these days. And my medicine isn't helping. I have more bad days than good. I'm going to quit this school. But then what?

Ya. Then what?

Song -

Autumn Leaves by Ed Sheeran
Little bird by Ed Sheeran

Raining Incessant (A Poem)

Just a little about me for the time being. My new medicine has reduced my ability to stop myself from crying - like for anything at all. I can't hold the tears back, even if nothing is bothering me at all. This is how the poem arose.

RAINING INCESSANT
A frustrating development
Of constant raining from my eyes
It's like the Hoover Dam has broken
Let loose its floods of water

Why can't I hold it back
My hands, my will, are futile walls
Little barriers which do not
Give the rush a single pause

The constant rain, flooding the valley
Prevents me living normally
Who wants to be near monsoon weather
Always making big from none

Yep, just another pain in the ass development from my depression medicine. Happy happy joy joy. Lol. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing great!

Oh wait! Music.

Songs of the day are . . . *drumroll*
Everything's Gonna Be Alright by Bob Marley
Every time I breathe by Big Daddy Weave

And how about a picture?? Isn't Zulu such a pretty dog? Lol. Ta for now dear readers!

Jitters.

http://thesleepingtypewriter.wordpress.com/

This Poem, posted on my poetry blog above ^ is as follows:

JITTERS
Pins and needles in my legs
Telling me to move
Little runners in my limbs
Continue to reprove

They push and urge my body
To do all but stay still
And all the things I try to do
Are hard for me to will

These wells, these empty pockets
Which keep myself from full
Prevent me even writing neat
Keep me from being cool

I’m like a puppet on the strings
Of Parkinson’s disease
Even my mind is shaky and
My thoughts they will not cease

So how am I to find some peace
How am I to think
When thoughts elude like squirrels
And calm stays on the brink.

***Hey all, ya it’s been a while. This is not completely how I wanted it to be, but I can’t sit still long enough to fix it. Hope you like it! ts.t.***


As I stated in my A/N, I can't seem to get my body under control. I blame my medicine. I don't even feel like my eyes can focus, which is really annoying. Makes writing papers for school annoyingly difficult, since I can't concentrate. Anyway, got that done. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Ta for now!

Song of the day:
Love Grows by Edison Lighthouse
Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Hope y'all enjoy!

Ambien . . . ramblings.

So this is typed up from last night, I wrote it on paper:

Took my dose of ambien at about 815 and it is now close to 1030. I'm still awake. In fact, I feel alert, not drowsy like I've been all day. What the fuck? A sleep medicine that is supposed to 'knock you out' that makes me feel awake. This is ridiculous. I followed the life counselor's (what a name) suggestions. No electronics after 7pm, I read a book instead. And I'm writing my thoughts to get them out. Still awake.

I was excited for this KO effect, doubly excited. And yet I'm awake, alert, unable to contemplate sleep much less do it. And Brock is fast asleep, snoring happily. I'm jealous. Very jealous. I just want to be normal. Sleep like a healthy normal person. Not worry about depression or side effects or drug reactions to alcohol.

It's a frustrating shame. It gives me a headache. The list of 'to-dos' I came up with while trying to sleep is quite long. And I'm still thinking. I'm gonna go give it another shot.

I can yawn - does that mean I can sleep? Probably not. But I can't sit up all night. I have a large list of things to do tomorrow. Joy. Sweet sleeping - fingers crossed.


Turns out, I wasn't able to sleep. I got up at 5 am, after deciding I was tired of to trying to snooze. I almost think the ambien missed my mouth when I took it lol. Anyway, gonna try it again tonight and see if last night was a fluke. My sister is going to be here in an hour (hopefully) and she'll be visiting for a while, finally.

So yeah, that's all for now. I'm bored. Good-bye.

Song: We Looked Like Giants by Death Cab for Cutie
and also, I was Made for Sunny Days by the Weepies.

Have a fabulous day! Ta!

Depression is . . .

So if you've been reading my blog for a while you probably know that I have been dealing with depression for quite a few years now.

The medicine I've been on has worked and also hasn't. I've only just started taking a new medicine to see if it can help - it works pretty well, but the doctor is still adjusting it because I'm still not feeling tip-top.

And I'd like to clear up a misconception about depression I suppose.

For me, it's not completely "I'm sad I can't do anything blah blah." Goodness knows it can be that way a lot. It's not necessarily a "I wanna kill myself" type of depression.

For me, depression involves being tired all the time, wanting to sleep no matter what needs doing. For me, depression involves me being irritable. Anything and everything can set me off to being, as Brock calls it, 'cranky.'

I usually just say that I'm "Frustrated at everything right now" which usually causes me to snap at someone. Typically these days it's either Zulu or Brock, since they're the only ones I see on a regular basis. Or people on the road while I'm driving lol.

So yeah, when you think of depression don't automatically think of being sad. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain, not a gene that makes you sad no matter what. For some it is that way, but for me at least it's not.

The way I recognize it is if I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm being forced to act a certain way by my brain, a way contrary to what I feel like doing or how I feel like acting. I know I'm irritable for absolutely no reason, I know I cry spontaneously for no particular reason (and believe me, anything sets me off) and I cry for maybe a few seconds and a minute later I'm perfectly fine.

I've always thought maybe I'm bipolar, but that's manic depression anyway, so what difference does it make? Doctors call it depression, I'm not manic, but I'm not normal.

I'm not me.

And not being me has caused a lot of problems in my life. So if you feel the way I've described, then you have to do something about it now before it causes the kind of problems that I have had. Depression is not fun, and the side effects are especially not fun. Side effects which affect your life and those around you. If the people who know you don't know or realize what your depression means, you can end up driving them away.

I'm lucky to have a husband who understands completely the way my depression affects me, and doesn't take a lot of it to heart. Any other man would have run long before this. But not him.

Life is a riddle, love is a puzzle, and only your brain can make any sense of it. So long as it's functioning in tip-top shape. Which mine hasn't been for a while now. Don't wait, do.

Action speaks louder than words, but action can save what words might destroy.

Well, that's all for my philosophy. If you can call it that. I'm done, ta for now. Have a good day!

Irony

Irony: The single most misunderstood word in the English language.

Hell, even I don't understand it half the time.

So I shall put up a line from the "ParaNorman" movie:

"An animal rescue van ran over my dog and killed him."

Now that's ironic. A van meant to save animals went and killed one instead.

Get it? Ya, I still don't most of the time either lol.

Hello

So for those who aren't reading my other blog, rewriting my book is coming along great.

I'm already past 12k words, and still chug-a-lugging along. :)

Just thought I'd share. Even though my fingers keep trying to insert their own special spellings of words, I am still keeping up with it.

Scaling the Mountain - A Journey to a Novel

My definition

Snacking: the inability to interpret the brain's "I want!" so you throw all manner of things at it until it finally shuts up.

Just a thought.

How long does it take to remember that you don't need to care what some people think?

Not as long as it takes to remember that some people don't think about you at all.

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

Today, I will simply post the song, "I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath.
I believe this song exemplifies (for some reason I like that word lately) a little of my feelings about my past, and how I see me today.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was.

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around to forgiving you
Some time ago
And I never got to tell you.

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was.

You were there you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you.

I'm thinking it's a funny thing
I figured out I could say
Now I'm not who I was.

I write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was.

I was thinking maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name.

Hello.

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it up
Maybe that's what love is all about.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was.

Blowing Steam.

Here is my time to blow some steam.

I sent an email to my professor asking for assistance in understanding and clarifying what exactly she wanted out of me for the assignment. I was very polite. I asked, I finished with thank you and much appreciation.

I received an email with rudeness in each word. "It sounds as though you haven't read anything at all." "I can't give you another student's work" (I asked for a previous student's assignment that she thought exemplified the assignment and its requirements, since her example wasn't helping me).

Blah blah blah. I am really quite pissed off and irritated. I have never had a professor respond to me with such a tone before. Needless to say, I will not be asking her for help anymore. Guess I'm on my own now with this class.

And I hate marketing. Oh, I forgot to mention, it's a marketing class.

Yay. Not.

By the way, why is it so difficult for people to spell things correctly?

Some words I have seen:
exacteley
Referencies
there for both their and they're, in the same paper multiple times.

Why does it have to be rude to correct someone's spelling and grammar?

Anyway, Brock and I have started the Insanity program. We're on day 3 I believe, and it's definitely hard as hell lol. Well, I'm tired of typing. There's my update. I hope everyone is having a great day!

Welcome to (as Brock would say) "Little Mexico."

Well, here it is. We're in El Paso! Yikes.

The farther south I go, the ruder the drivers are lol. I suppose that makes . . . well, no, that doesn't make sense. The cities have gotten bigger, so that's probably what it is.

It took a lot of patience to get through this move . . . Brock and I definitely both short-circuited on it a few times. We ran out of time to clean the old house, had to sleep on the floor the last night there (OMG was that a hard hardwood floor), and then get up bright and early for a long long drive.

Our first night we stayed in a pet-friendly hotel. The house we wanted - it took a while to arrange it. And I mean awhile. At least, from what we're used to. We didn't get into the house until the night after we had gotten to Texas. That first day in El Paso was a very very long one for all of us.

All four of us (including the kitty and pup) were squeezed into our little car for most of the day (since check-out was at 11). The only comfortable one was Othello, and that's because his crate was just big enough for him. Zulu actually got so tired of laying down that she would lean back and prop her head on the top of the backseat lol.

Moving in became another push to endurance. *laughs* It was also a big test on my . . . grace? Is that what you'd call it? Hmm. Idk lol. It definitely felt like an obstacle course the first week and a half . . . really, up until a couple days ago when I finally got the right boxes unpacked lol.

When we moved, we tried to take with us all of the things in our refrigerator that we couldn't absolutely throw away on the spot. So we got a gigantic cooler, filled it with ice, and towed it along with us. We expected to have the house the night we got into Texas. Oh no. Definitely not. When we finally got into the house - that food was DONE. We tossed it into the garbage, and patiently waited for the garbage to come. Lol. We missed it. We hadn't gotten up early enough (apparently the garbage man comes at 5 am). So now we've had about three days of rotting food roasting in the sun next to the house. *plugs nose* It smells . . . revolting. Yum. Guess we still had to buy food lol.

Internet? Yeah, we only just got that last night. We're renting an old house. As in, about a 100 years old. . . . so it doesn't have a phone jack. The landlord said that it actually isn't possible to install one in this house. We didn't realize that, or the fact that we needed one, until a couple of days ago when we were supposed to be setting up our internet on our own. Oh jeez. So instead, we had to have a technician come (for another hundred dollars) to set one up, outside, for us.

Oh. I'm sure you wanna know how I love this weather?? It's actually not as bad as I had expected. Yes, the temps have been between 86 and 116 since we've been here, but it hasn't been so bad. For a few days, the 86 and 90 felt more like 70s to us. Ya. I know right? I think there have been maybe one or two days tops where we have had clouds. Otherwise - completely (and I mean completely) clear blue skies. :)

So now that we are somewhat settled, I have the task of changing our address with companies, calling my student loans to let them know my new address and that I'm still going to school, etc. *pouts* Ya, still working toward that bachelor's. Makes me jealous of everyone who got to graduate from undergraduate this semester. Oh well lol.

So anyway, my stomach is calling for a snack (oh ya, did I mention Brock and I have been going to the gym - where he has successfully tortured my muscles? lol.) and I would like to finish reading my book (Dracula, which isn't as horrible as I'd thought it would be). So - I hope your summers have all started off to wonderful . . . starts. Maybe that's "gotten" huh? Lol.

Who are you?

Tangled and Management . . .

So I'm trying to write a paper for my Principles of Management class where I need to relate a piece of popular culture (in this case, the Disney movie "Tangled") to the class. Why would I choose a Disney movie of all things to compare to management?? Well, I don't think I could satisfactorily answer that question. The only thing I could say is, "I couldn't think of a single thing to do it on, I didn't want to read another book, and I like this movie and felt like watching it again." And hey, I found ways that it relates to Principles of Management. My problem is the fifth requirement for the paper: "In addition to the source material, rely on the text [ie the textbook] and at least one other source (i.e. business journal article) to make your case." So, uh, how do I do that when nobody analyzes the movie "Tangled" with a view toward management? That's what I thought. Crap. Guess we'll see.

Disney music. . . and other things.

Three weeks left of school. Yikes.

Obviously not the end of my schooling, but still. Another semester down.  :)

I seem to have gotten my butt back into gear, thank goodness. Getting my homework done at least. Not so much the dishes or laundry . . . lol.

Went to the doctor yesterday and got some more medicine for things not even related to my heartburn. Geez. Now I take eight pills every morning, and another at night, three if I take my sleep medicine. Lol. Talk about overdoing it. Oh well.

So we've been having some very moody weather lately. Cold, fog, snow, grey skies, etc. Doesn't feel much like April lol. But like I keep telling Brock, we might as well enjoy it since we'll see pretty much none of that in El Paso.

Got another massage yesterday. It was amazing, but slightly painful lol. I told the lady to basically go as hard as she could, and she took me at my word. I thought she was going to dislocate my shoulder a couple times there. But I have so many knots in my muscles that even after a massage I'm still tense. I wish I could figure out a way to minimize that. I know yoga would help, but I'm lazy. And so I'll continue to complain lol.

Zulu is having fun being a little brat this week. She's been barking up a storm at anyone that passes by the house, even if they are miles from the house. She's also taken to eating things out of the bathroom trash can. Disgusting. Especially when she threw up what she had eaten all over the comforter, and then continued to try and eat it again. Dogs. What a joy. Lol.

Othello has been getting along a lot better now with Zulu. It's making me very proud. The other day he actually rubbed the side of his face (you know how cats do that) on Zulu's nose as she sniffed the hell out of him. AND he was purring. This was of course when I was petting him, but the fact that he didn't run away or hiss is a huge improvement.

Still not making much progress on my weight loss, I've been stuck at the same weight for months now. But, I suspect that nothing is going to change unless I get back into working out every day and eating less candy . . . I doubt that'll happen any time soon lol. Probably not until after we get situated down in Texas.

Well, the messy house is calling out to my conscience, so I'll be going now.

Hmm . . . music?

Think Disney.
'Kiss the girl' - Little Mermaid
'Can you feel the love tonight' - Lion King
'Once upon a december' - Anastasia
'I see the light' - Tangled
'I'll make a man out of you' - Mulan

Not too sure if Anastasia is Disney. But you get the gist lol. Have a good day dear readers! :)

A twisted circle.

I don't understand myself at the moment.

My mind is so fuzzy and clouded, but restless at the same time.

I forget to take my medicine, and in forgetting to take it, create a cycle of continually forgetting.

I don't know what it is - whether it is my medicine, or lack of something else, but my memory is completely gone. For the important things, anyway.

My memory, my desire. Motivation is a strange beast to me lately.

I did nothing but read yesterday. Five hundred pages. I tell myself that it is better I finish this book in one go, since it's stopping me from wanting to do anything else.

But is that right?

I hardly know right now. Four hundred pages left, and I will be done with the series. Maybe then it won't haunt me. But I suspect it will be replaced by something else.

My mind is a very hateful thing.

Final projects. Homework. Medicine. Chores. Writing. Eating. Hygiene even.

All is abandoned. And for what? Why?

I wish I could figure out what was so flawed in my mind, and how to fix it.

My thoughts are so distorted that I can't figure out what to do.

I just don't know. I don't like it.

Sometimes I think I've grown up, and then this happens, and I feel like I've been tossed back into the chaos of high school. My mind was royally fucked up then, but I had hoped that I'd grown past that. I'd hoped that my medicine had at least brought me past that.

I don't know.

Blank Page.

I've been wanting to write another post for quite a while now. Problem is, when I sit down and stare at the blank page . . . I haven't a clue what to talk about.

My days have been (mostly) just me trying to finish my book. I'm on the second to last book of the "Wheel of Time" series, and I STILL haven't read the last one, so I keep trying to push faster.

Unfortunately, there's only so much time in a day to devote to reading.

In my quest to finish my books, I have neglected chores, writing my HPFF story (and leaving my poor readers at a rather evil kind of cliffhanger), writing on my book, and so many other things lol.

I've already told you how we'll be moving to El Paso at the end of May. Well, I've also been worrying about all of that crap. How much it will all cost, how we're going to load and unload the U-Haul (it's becoming the generic name for moving trucks now isn't it? sucks for them, say bye-bye trademark lol) with just us two. The truck and the two vehicle issue is what has me worried the most I guess.

It's simple enough really. Haul one car behind the U-Haul and drive the other. Problem is, driving a gigantic u-haul and hauling a car behind it to boot . . . not the easiest. Especially when we typically drive little cars lol. Obviously Brock will be the one to do it - he doesn't trust me to drive such a big vehicle lol. Idk.

Brock finally got his tattoo finished (except for some minor shading). Full back tattoo, mind. Wings. It looks pretty cool, but I definitely wouldn't enjoy the pain of that.

Well, I'm feeling rather restless at the moment - so I'm gonna finish this up.

I hope you've all had a wonderful week.

No songs. My apologies.

Ta for now!

Long and rambling . . .

Hello readers!

Well, the hubby is back - and guess what? So is my good mood. Lol. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, we FINALLY have a location locked in. We'll be going to  . . . *drum roll* . . . Fort Bliss. That's in Texas, barely. It's also right on the border between Texas, New Mexico, and Mexico.

Oy vey.

I really did NOT want to go there, but Brock is desperate to 1. get the heck out of this unit before he snaps, punches an upper, and loses rank and 2. work the roads like an actual MP. If the first hadn't been so high up in his mind, we might have gotten to go to Germany . . . but the report date isn't for another year, so it was kind of out of the question. Damn. That would have been fun.

Well, there's always the next time.

So now that we have a location, and a date, I can get around to planning school. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of choices in El Paso. It's either UTEP (the University of Texas at El Paso) or University of Phoenix. I'm leaning more towards the latter. Mostly because, while yes, UTEP is extremely cheap for a four year, and it offers not just bachelor's degrees, but also master's. It also has bad reviews in terms of the academic quality, especially the accounting department.

We'll see.

Got a call from the mother-in-law yesterday. She is very worried about us being so close to the border. Mostly me. She doesn't want us to live off post because of the very high (75%) Mexican population there - she doesn't believe I will be safe. Maybe I'll take a karate or self defense class out there. Because I really don't want to live on post . . . there are some really nice houses in El Paso.

Anyway, right now I just have to focus on school. Which is what I should be doing at this very moment (I have a paper that is due today that I have yet to start), but we all know I'm very skilled at procrastination. :)

Haven't worked on my book in a while, but that probably has more to do with me reading my favoritest series ever (yes, I know that's not a word). That, as well as the lack of readers on the other blog lol. Much as I talk about writing to myself and talking to myself, even on this particular blog, I still see that there are some people reading it. Not so with the other blog. Lol. So I won't be posting my progress and excerpts on there, just mentioning it every now and then on here lol.

Anyway, it's almost eight, and I really have to get started on my paper.

Song of the day:

The Show by Lenka.  :)

Ta for now dear readers. . . whoever you are lol.

Bad brain . . . bad. (If only this worked as well as it did on animals . . . )

Brock will be home in a few days, but I find that my mood has deteriorated quite a bit.

I'm starting to see a direct correlation between my depression and his absence. I'm not talking him going to work during the day, or anything silly like that. I'm talking prolonged absences - like the field.

My medicine works just perfectly when he's at home, but when he's gone - it loses its effectiveness. This is a very frustrating fact, especially because my depression can get quite bad at times. Even to the point of affecting me physically.  It's bloody ridiculous.

Another is that we STILL don't know where we'll be moving. He wants to talk to the recruiter when he gets back - to see what's available still. This makes planning things like school a very difficult (no, impossible) thing to do.

Anyway - I'm not in the mood for writing/talking.

Songs (thanks to Pandora):

Rock and Roll - by Eric Hutchinson
Collide (acoustic version or otherwise) by Howie Day

Have a day. . . . preferably more enjoyable than mine.

Ta for now.

Love.

All I want to say today is: I love my (fur)children. :)

 

(Yes, they're sitting together. No, they don't always get along lol, but they have their moments . . . generally not this cuddled up though.)

Zigzags

Alright, so it's now just a week left until Brock comes home from the field - thank goodness. This house is starting to grate on my nerves, it's entirely too empty and quiet. When he isn't here, I generally don't turn the tv on. . . . thus the quiet.

Heard from him yesterday morning, and apparently due to a mix up in papers (makes me want to smack the guy that fucked them up) we won't be able to go to Fort Leavenworth. Instead, we'll be going to Fort Leonard Wood in the middle of pretty much nowhere.

I'm going to have to figure out something in order to get my bachelor's, because there are no colleges there offering an accounting degree, much less a bachelor's in accounting. Oh joy.



Saw a picture that showed the "Japanese way of learning multiplication." A trick, you could say. As long as you can count and draw lines, you can do it. Makes me wish they had shown us that back when I was still learning that stuff, not that I ever had a problem learning it but still lol.


Yes, I tried it. Yes, it works. Yes, it's frickin' awesome. Lol.

Finally went and bought the last book in my absolute FAVORITE book series (in terms of reading it, I still love Harry Potter - but hey, the books are written in a style for a younger generation). This series I'm talking about is called 'The Wheel of Time' by Robert Jordan. The last book came out back in November I think, and it is technically number 14. I still say the 'Prologue' that was published long before the final book and long after the first counts as a number 15.

It is a phenomenal book series. Very long, each book ranges from 800 to 1,000 pages long, and there are a lot of characters - but it is spectacularly written. (Can you tell that I like the series? Lol.)

One of my tattoos is actually a sentence I came up with using a language from the series . . . . yeah, I know, nerdy. But, I love the books that much.

Well, I'm tired, and other than going to school today and finding out that I had forgotten that class was cancelled for today (we've known for a few weeks), my day has been pretty boring.

It was a cold day with a drizzling sort of snow, but it's better than the blizzard conditions we've had this last month.

I'm not complaining - I'm from cold weather's birthplace . . . well, not really, but I am from a cold place, so I'm used to it lol.

*Yawns* Guess I'm tired, but I won't be going to sleep for a while.

Wish I could say I have a song for the day, but I haven't listened to music today so, sorry dear readers.

Well, okay, there is one that popped into my head a few times today.

Song of the day is . . . *drumroll*

Uncharted by Sara Bareilles

(And a song that occurred to me when I wrote this one down lol.)
Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield . . . . nah, ignore this song. Not in the mood for it today. I guess I'm more in the mood for the idea of taking charge of your own life, not letting anyone else write it for you, etc. Lol. Idk.

***Side note: Does anyone care or listen to the songs? And who out there is reading this blog to begin with? Lol. Just curious.

Ta for now.

Forgive.

Forgiveness is a very rare trait in people today.

Many people can say they forgive someone, but most of the time they still hold on to that hurt or anger.

I learned long ago that it's pointless to hold onto feelings like that (though learning and doing are sometimes very different things for me).

I have experienced truly forgiving someone, and I have experienced the inability to for fear of a repeat.

For the most part I strive to forgive those around me. Holding grudges is a deadly poison in our lives, and only holds you back.

That being said, I am currently working on trying to forgive the one person I haven't been able to for quite a while. It takes a certain kind of strength and bravery to open yourself up to being hurt. But all it takes is fear to keep you from doing what you want to (and need to) do.

Song of the day:

Forgiveness by Matthew West

Fuck titles.

There is no realization more powerful than that of your own insignificance.

Out of how many people in the world - how many of them actually care about you?

Out of how many people in your life - how many actually love you?

There are so few people in our lives who truly love us. This month has sunk that realization in deep for me. My circle shrank quite a bit.

It's thoughts like these, and people like that, that cause my depression.

I don't know why I still care.

I don't know how to stop caring.

What benefit is there? Except pain.

It's a sucky reality.

It's a bitch. Shit. Crap. A farce. Whatever word you care of think of, positive or negative.

But for me, sometimes it's just harsh.

Songs from yesterday:

Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
Memory by Sugarcult
Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson

Songs

Just a couple of songs before I forget, since tomorrow is a busy day.

Embers and Envelopes by Mae

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

Have a great night!

Just an FYI I suppose.

I know it has been two and a half years since I updated my other blog 'Scaling the Mountain,' and no one has paid attention to it in about as long lol.

I wanted to let you know that I have it back up. I don't know as of yet whether I will end up abandoning it again, but I am determined to keep writing. And since I have actually had the inspiration to write this past month or two, I think I can 40% safely say that I won't be forgetting about it. Lol.

Now that I'm not sitting around, not wanting to write, but telling myself I need to, now that I am actually writing - not just talking about it - I thought I would get that blog back up and running.

I repeat myself.

Anyway, that's all. Enough of my rambling lol. Not a lot made sense, but I'm sure you got the gist of it.

A song!

All About Us - by He is We

The choir . . . of dogs.

So my neighbors have invested in two dogs who LOVE to bark. You know the kind - the ones who bark just to hear themselves bark.

And my wonderful child just LOVES to bark when other dogs are barking.

So, needless to say, I can barely let her outside without a bark fest going on - they also seem to be rather territorial despite two (yes, two) fences between them.

I went and bought a spray corrector (like a shock collar, but this shoots citronella at their face when they bark) to get Zulu to stop. She must be too active for it to work, or too determined to bark, because she's perfectly okay barking nonstop even with the damn thing on.

Money down the drain. Returning it today. Thank goodness we're moving in a few months.

I really don't want to get a shock collar - I know they're effective, but I don't feel like they're very humane. So I'm going to get something that emits some sound or other that dogs don't like when they bark. We'll see if that works.

If not, then I just might have to get a shock collar. :(

Got the first chapter (which was the prologue) rewritten for my book. Sad part is, that was the one part (except for the epilogue) that I actually liked, and I still needed to rewrite it lol.

The thing to remember with rewriting - don't get so attached to what you've already written that you can't delete it.

Anyway, that's that. Now I'm gonna go see what I can get accomplished on my day off.

Song for the day:

Losing Sleep - Parachute.

Just a sentence.

I am a broken record. I feel like I'm set on repeat, and the things which I said I would stop doing I can't seem to. I'm still thinking about my past. I'm still grasping for air, knocking on a door that's been closed for quite a while.

I am a bullheaded ox and (just like the single-mindedness of my wonderful fur-child Zulu) I refuse to give up on something.

Can someone reach through the computer and smack some sense into this thick skull of mine?

No means no. To quote a favorite Disney movie of mine, Hercules:

"They think 'no' means 'yes' and 'get lost' means 'take me I'm yours'" - Meg.

Perhaps C. will transfer all of my emails to the spam folder so she doesn't have to read the same drivel over and over again. I wouldn't blame her.

But, as stupid as I know it is for me to continue trying, I can't help it. I have to.

To quote a song by Coldplay (Fix you):

". . . if you never try you'll never know."

I guess I'm trying to live without regret. Though maybe it's coming across more annoying. It can't be helped. I have to try.

Anyway, this post was originally meant to be one sentence "I am a broken record," but I couldn't stop my mind from thinking.

Good night all.

Scrap it all . . . or not. Maybe just re-mold.

So, I have done what I didn't want to do, and left a large gap in time between posts.

If you were waiting for a new post from me, I apologize for the delay.

With six classes I sometimes feel like I'm trying to juggle and swim at the same time, both of which I do not excel at.

I've been writing (big surprise there, I keep telling you in every post) and now I think I've come to the point where that writing can transition back into my book. I've realized something.

My HPFF story has been a small road to discovery. In it, I have tried to keep the action up, to give it humor and life. It's made me see that my book has none of that.

And so, I have determined that I will be rewriting the entire thing. Yup. All 50k words of it. I suppose it's a little better than completely scrapping the whole thing. But I'm just going to keep the bare facts and essentials, and I'm going to change it so that it doesn't bore me anymore (like it would bore anyone else who read it).

Other than that, I have three or four weeks of solitude (except for classes and animals, since my husband is in the field for the month) to do all of this revamping. Let's hope it is successful. I would dearly love to have a book that I am proud of and not one that I feel still reflects my juvenile mind.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to head off to class.

Song of the moment:

"Don't you worry child" by Swedish House Mafia.

Goodbye dear reader, until the next time.

SNOW!!!

I am thankfully not suffering from three feet of snow like most of the north-east portion of the United States. I am, however, suffering from (pardon the language and hostility) retards who act like two inches of snow IS three feet of snow, and drive insanely slowly.

My husband ordinarily has a ten minute drive to work in the morning. This morning, it took him over an hour to get there, and not because the roads were really bad. Since he was heading toward a military post, most of the drivers were likely from states that don't get snow. But I've still seen cars with Colorado license plates drive like they're going to fall through ice and drown to death if they aren't slow enough. Oy.

On a side note, I should probably invest in a snow shovel (yep, we don't have one. still don't know how that works) and rock ice. The mail man is probably not too happy having to walk over so much snow lol.

True to my native Montana, I dressed inappropriately for the weather. I decided to wear heels today. Well, correction, they're boots with wedge-type heels. Who needs snow boots? :)

Saw the new episode of 'Once upon a time' last night, and it was awesome, to say the least. I love that show - it's the only one I watch, and I'm very glad I discovered it last year (especially since I'm not much of a tv watcher).

Anyway, to all of you out buried under three feet of snow, if you're doing laundry - uncover the vent outside or you could die. If you're unburying your car and you want to sit in the car and take a break, make sure the exhaust pipe is uncovered first, or you will die.

And now, I'm off to study for my Governmental and Not-for-Profit Accounting exam. Wish me luck!

Oh, and since it's rather seasonally appropriate, song of the day is . . . *drumroll*

Valley Winter Song - Fountains of Wayne.

Stay away from the Silence (it's a dangerous thing).

I don't really have anything to say. But I don't want to lapse into a long silence on my blog again, because writing on here encourages me to think through everything more.

Mostly, I've been writing a lot on my HPFF, and the simple act of writing makes me happy. Maybe one day that will translate over to my book, but right now I'm starting to wonder if I just want to scrap the whole thing. I feel like it's so dull, like there's no life in it. Sure, there's action, but that's completely different from energy.

Today I finally "get" to do actual tax preparation. None of the intake or review. Preparing taxes. Hopefully I'm not so nervous that I can't type. I don't want to look like an idiot, especially since I know that I can type between 64 and 75 words per minute.

On Thursday I got a 'stress buster massage' courtesy of my amazing husband. It was absolutely fantastic. I have a lot of knots and tension in my neck, shoulders, and back - the lady had to dig her elbow in just to try to loosen them up. Plus, Brock got me three of them. So, when I'm no longer sore from this one, I shall be scheduling another one to further de-knot my shoulders.

Well, my house is a mess, my organization is shot to hell, and I'm tired. But, my story (in my opinion at least) is doing fantastically, and my depression medicine is working (along with the vitamins I'm taking, you'd be surprised how much those help with your mood). So, overall, I would say things are great - besides not getting to spend as much time with my husband as I would like.

So, I'm going to skedaddle. Oh, and something my Zumba teacher told us that is a good breakfast to eat (she's also a nutritionist), is 2 pieces of whole wheat toast, with peanut butter, cinnamon, and banana on top. Now I've tried that whole Elvis peanut butter and banana sandwich thing, and I wasn't a big fan, but this is actually pretty good. And it makes me full. So, I've been won over. :)

Anyway, this early in the morning, the only thing I'm listening to is a bunch of (in my opinion) goodies. So, no new songs to write.

Ta for now!

Level Zero.

Holy moly I am TIRED. Not for lack of sleep. I don't know if I have a bug, or if it's just because the nurses at the ER took so much blood, but everything is wearing me out like none other.

Anyway, don't have much to say. Just wrote a chapter for my HPFF that I found hilarious, it won't be posted for a bit because there are chapters ahead of it that haven't gone up yet, but yeah.

Perhaps my goal in trying to make the story more lively (to make up for all the slow sentimental parts) will make it a better story.

Who knows?

No songs that I haven't posted already.

Avoiding Anger.

Just learned an obvious but apparently necessary lesson in reading for my Business Communication and Report Writing class.

I will quote directly from the book:
"Expressing anger in messages - letting off steam - may sometimes help you emotionally. But anger helps achieve the goal of a message only when that goal is to anger the reader. The effect of angry words is to make the reader angry. With both writer and reader angry, the two are not likely to get together on whatever the message is about."

Well, I think that explains itself. And I believe, this would also apply to a blog. Letting off steam - my goodness do I love to do that with this blog, not to mention indulging in self pity. I treat this blog as a narrative journal. I know I get views, I know that someone out there is reading it, but it doesn't seem to register in my mind. I write for myself. In business, you write for the reader.

I suppose I should take that more to heart. In retrospect (hey look, I follow the theme of the last few posts, repeating a subject I have already worn out), the posts on this blog when I was angry - letting off steam - caused a lot of trouble for me.

I also read an email today (a typical forwarded chain message) talking about "three incredible words." It listed several different phrases of sorts, but I guess one stuck out. "Please forgive me."

Why did I never think of that?

Hah. Reminds me of the song "Why didn't I think of that" by Doug Stone.

It helps to have someone rational to talk to, but when you're fighting with the one rational person in your life, or who used to be in your life, it gets a little...complicated. Understatement of the decade. Mine, anyway. I don't know about yours.

I'm finding that my little trip to the ER on Thursday night took more out of me than I thought. When you don't have any consecutive days off, and when the only days off you have are filled with homework, makes it hard to recover. At least, in my experience. Lol.

Tax Help Colorado on Saturday went really well - I'm becoming more comfortable with talking to the clients. It helped a lot that my designated post was the Intake/Interview Process. You're not talking to people who've been waiting for six or seven hours, so you're not as afraid of saying the wrong thing. Not to mention, you talk to more people.

Anyway, I have to go get ready for my next class. Ta for now.

Oh, and song at the moment:
Lego House by Ed Sheeran (I'm a little obsessed with his music this week, but hey - he's good.)

What If?

So yesterday was fun. Got to hang out with my husband all day. :) I declared it an official day off for me - and all I did was write.

But writing also gets me thinking, and thinking gets me in trouble. So here is what I figured out this morning.

I can't spend my life with "what if." It gets me nowhere. And asking myself "what if" and going over situations in the past over and over again will get me nothing but wasted energy. What-ifs mean nothing when someone hates you. They become a moot point.

So, I have decided that I will make myself give up the past. I need to move on, and accept that what is done, will never be changed, no matter how I try.

And now, it is time for me to get on with my homework and try to forget my failures.

Song today is:
Wayfaring Stranger by Ed Sheeran

ER and Taxes. What a mix.

I am tired.

From 4pm on Thursday, to 11pm, I was in the ER. I'll spare you the gory details. Mostly I was just there so long because the nurses couldn't get a good vein (something about valves), and so they had to take my blood about ten times because the blood kept clotting before they could get it tested. The nurse said they were just too slow in the lab, but either way, my blood was flowing lol. They had to use a syringe to get my blood out, fifteen minutes per syringe. And when one of the nurses was filling up the tube from the syringe, she spilled my blood all over the blanket. *face:palm*

So, end of story, I'm okay, but I feel absolutely exhausted, and dehydrated. And yet, I still have class today from 830 to 6. Yay....

Oh, and while I was there, the doctor told me that apparently there's a very nasty, new strain of the Noro virus going around. He said something about cruise ships, and people needing lots of IVs. Thankfully, I don't have it.

Did my taxes yesterday. Brock and I decided to still get them done at H&R Block, and I'm glad we did. The woman who prepared our taxes told us that the IRS isn't even going to touch any returns with education credits on them until the last week of February or the first week of March. Pleasant huh? Apparently, with all the fraud happening they want to make sure they're not being duped. She said that we should expect to hear from the IRS in two years about our return, to prove that we did indeed have those education expenses.

Joy. I'm both surprised, and really really not, that my teacher has not told us this. She's a professional accountant (but she does so much stuff that she can barely keep up), so I don't know if she simply has been too busy to mention it to us, or if she doesn't know. Nevertheless, I will be sharing my new found knowledge today at class/work.

Anyway, it's nice to have Brock at home. He's supposed to get pinned for sergeant on Tuesday. He was going to on Friday, but then I got sick and he sort of missed it. Ah, c'est la vie.

Well, hopefully today is not busy, like last Saturday, so that I will have a lot of down time. But who knows.

On another note, my dog is most definitely a snow child. I think she's sad that it's all melted in the back yard. :)

Well, I'm off to (possibly) take a nap until I have to go to school. Have a fabulous weekend. o.O

I will teach my future children better than this.

The past is a nasty thing. I would say funny, but it's not.

We all remember things differently. All memories and experiences are clouded by our own emotional turmoil. I'm beginning to understand just how much my past is clouded by my own fucked-up mind. I hate my genetics. I wish I had started taking medicine sooner. Maybe if my mother had taken me seriously, or maybe if I had tried harder to convince her, then I wouldn't be in the state I am right now.

Maybe maybe maybe. I disgust myself. People are right about me. I am a bitch. Selfish, self-absorbed, and so forth. I'm surprised Brock married me - he knows the full extent of my personality.

I hate the things I have done in the past. The way I have acted. Because of me, I lost the best friend I had. I'd love to go back and bash myself in the head. Everything I did was guided by the fucked up emotions in my chemically unbalanced mind. I guess it's only fitting that I suffer the punishment of regret and disgust, after all I've done.

I am, to say the least, disappointed in myself. And I will spend the rest of my life wondering how I could believe that I was better than that.

To all of those I have hurt, I am sorry. And to you C, the one I hurt the most, sorry can't begin to describe it. If I'd only had a mirror, back then, to see myself for what I truly was, maybe I wouldn't have acted and done the things I did.

The only good thing that came out of that year and a half was Brock. He changed my life around. If only it had been sooner.

Snow Day.

I don't really have much to say. My mind has been wholly preoccupied with fictional characters these past few days.

I haven't been able to bring myself to do my homework, so all I have been doing is writing my harry potter fan fiction (Brighter Than Neon), or browsing through Deviant Art drawings of the marauders and others of that era. I am absolutely (and I use quotes for a reason lol) "in love" with James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. The way they were meant to be, not how the movies made them *gag*. My story brings to life the way I imagine them. It makes me want to sink right into that world and never leave. But alas, 'tis not real. :(

I've also been listening to a lot of music today. We got a lot of snow last night. About 3-4 inches. It's about the most I've seen here, anyway. Which means that my class was cancelled, and that I've been on my recliner all day, with my beloved computer. Wasting my time, as some might say.

I wish I could give you a more stimulating post, but I want to get back to my music and story. :)

Songs?

Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran
Written in the Stars - Westlife
You Don't Have to Go - Rachel Platten
Fix You - Coldplay
When I Need You - Leo Sayer
(sense a pattern?)

Anyway, gotta go. Dreamy made up men are calling to me. ;)

Still alive.

Well, taxes today weren't so bad. Since it's still January, and this is our first day open, we weren't too busy. I was stuck in Quality Review - which was basically just going over the basics on someone's return to make sure everything was right.

I was....flustered, to say the least. I only had to do QR for 5 clients. I don't know. I survived lol.

Next week I have yet to find out what position I'll be in. Could be intake/interview or tax prep. Oh boy.

Thank goodness Brock will be home next Saturday, so Zulu doesn't have to be home alone from 8:30 to 6 pm. Poor thing.

Anyway, all I feel like doing is sleeping, so that's prolly what I'm gonna do....*checks time* .... or not. It's only 5?!? Definitely doesn't feel like it.

Lol.

Well, reading then. And no songs - haven't had time today lol.

Have a fabulous weekend.

Tax Law......*flops over dead*

I am ready to explode.

Tax certifications are so unbelievable frustrating.

It probably didn't help that I've been doing homework all day. Cost Accounting this morning, then Government and Not-for-Profit Accounting this afternoon, and all evening....taxes.

Yep. Accounting overload.

Oy. Why must it be necessary for me to take all three of those (along with three other classes) in order to graduate this semester?!? Ugh. It's enough to make me want to not graduate lol. BUT, it has taken me absolutely forever (after wasting a year and a half at a liberal arts college) just to get my Associates. So soldier on, eh? Or something like that...

Well anyway. I've done my complaining. I'm tired, and I have an early day tomorrow. I'll probably be posting here again tomorrow night - once I've come home from doing peoples' taxes for five and a half hours.

I shall wish for sweet dreams and a fast day.

Oh, and besides a bunch of classical, nature-y calming music, song for the day is.....*drum roll*

Love and Memories by OAR.

Yay for talking to myself! Night night. :)

Medicine? Ha.

I just heard from Brock today. He's been in the field for a couple of days, and has another week to go, but the new promotion points came out for February. He made points for sergeant. I'm very proud of him. He has a leadership mentality, once you get past his attitude at least lol.

This also means that we will definitely be moving after this semester finishes, possibly sooner or later. He hasn't been able to get information on the MOS he will be re-classing to, since he's in the field.

On other news, today sucks. And for no reason either. I just have no motivation for any of my homework. I went through a year without Brock, but a couple days still makes me sad. Retarded. Though my forgetting to take my medicine might have something to do with it.

I hate my brain.

Some songs?

Hm.

It's Time by Imagine Dragons
Trouble by Taylor Swift (despite my dislike of her, some of her songs get to me, yippee.)
White Dress by Parachute
I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons

Damn emotions, and fuck caring. I don't want to today. I just keep letting myself get hurt by my own thoughts.

But Brock is in the field, so I have no one to talk to right now. Unless you count my dog, or my cat. They're not very conversational. So I talk on here, to myself.

Chocolate and alcohol sound great right now. But then there is the homework I have. Or perhaps I can just immerse myself in reading, or writing, or music. Which is what I'm doing now.

*rolls eyes* Screw this shit. I'm out.

Speak first.

So I was listening to music as I took a shower and a song came up that got me to thinking.

"The Story of Us" by Taylor Swift (I know right?)

But I think it addresses something that happens to everyone all the time.

"This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less
. . .
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon."
Sound familiar?

Always stuck with a million things you want to say to someone, but you're afraid to tell them. Someone has to start the conversation. It can't always be the other person. The secret to communication in relationships: never wait for the other person to say something first. If you have something to say, say it.

It's a philosophy that I am trying to adopt in my life. It works very well in my marriage - my husband and I are very close because of it. But the other side of it, friendship, tends to be more difficult. Mostly because this new philosophy came to me years too late.

I feel a long way from the teenager I was. It took marriage to make me grow up, marriage and deployment and all of the other crazy shit that happens in between. Independence, true and actual independence, is what helped me grow up.

But this 'maturity' comes with so much regret that I wonder if it's worth it.

I suppose, one day, I'll know.

Not a clue for a title..

So if I haven't mentioned it before, I'm an Accounting major. Which means that this coming tax season, starting this coming Saturday, I will be helping to do peoples' taxes.

Pause for shock.

One 'crash course' on taxes and tax returns (well, a one semester class really), and apparently I'm now a qualified volunteer.

Yikes.

It also means that this week I shall be doing a lot of studying and practice returns in order to not feel like an idiot. People will be trusting me with their taxes. Yikes. ... I may have said that already huh?

Well, nevertheless. My "chosen profession" is now becoming slightly more real to me.

Two Kinds of Friends.

I finally figured it out.

I've long bemoaned (usually just to myself, frequently to my husband) that I have no really true, good friends. But the other night, as I was in bed trying to fall asleep (trying being the key word, I've had insomnia a lot lately), the answer finally came to me.

To me, there are two different definitions of a friend. You have the acquaintance-friend and the friend-friend. The acquaintance-friend is someone you don't go out of your way to talk to or hang out with, a person you consider a friend and get along with when you're around each other. But you don't share everything. Whereas the friend-friend is a person who is like family to you, you see them all the time, talk to them about anything, and are completely comfortable with them.

In my life, I am the acquaintance-friend. To everyone. Every friend I've had, except for a very very small number, have not been what I personally consider a friend-friend.

I've always thought I'm a loner, I'm a weirdo, I'm too shy, I'm a bitch (at least, that's what I've been called (quite seriously) by those I had considered friends), and so on. I've never really been in on things, I suppose.

It's a funny kind of thing, in a way.

In all the phases of my life, I have had only three penultimate friend-friends. A few almost ones in between, and somewhat more than a few acquaintance-friends. Now that I am in another phase of my life, I am waiting for my next friend-friend. But I'm starting to think I will never find them. Life has created in me a hermit.

I have my animals, Zulu and Othello. I have my husband, Brock. But beyond that, I am and will always be distanced from everyone else, disjointed in a way that makes close relationships all but impossible without some change from me.

Extremely uplifting post, after all the empty space in between. But then, my mind has not been geared toward spilling out into a blog. All of my thoughts have been stuffed inside my head, slowly composting.

I have started writing again, slightly. But I think that it's a small start. And as I finally start to try reaching out, I find it bittersweet. We will probably be moving within the next six months, and any new connections I make out here will disappear. Well, except for those made online. But even those are scarce.

I will (FINALLY) have my Associate's in Accounting after this semester, with enough credits to match someone with a Bachelor's.

Life is a puzzle, and the pieces are constantly changing.