Two Kinds of Friends.

I finally figured it out.

I've long bemoaned (usually just to myself, frequently to my husband) that I have no really true, good friends. But the other night, as I was in bed trying to fall asleep (trying being the key word, I've had insomnia a lot lately), the answer finally came to me.

To me, there are two different definitions of a friend. You have the acquaintance-friend and the friend-friend. The acquaintance-friend is someone you don't go out of your way to talk to or hang out with, a person you consider a friend and get along with when you're around each other. But you don't share everything. Whereas the friend-friend is a person who is like family to you, you see them all the time, talk to them about anything, and are completely comfortable with them.

In my life, I am the acquaintance-friend. To everyone. Every friend I've had, except for a very very small number, have not been what I personally consider a friend-friend.

I've always thought I'm a loner, I'm a weirdo, I'm too shy, I'm a bitch (at least, that's what I've been called (quite seriously) by those I had considered friends), and so on. I've never really been in on things, I suppose.

It's a funny kind of thing, in a way.

In all the phases of my life, I have had only three penultimate friend-friends. A few almost ones in between, and somewhat more than a few acquaintance-friends. Now that I am in another phase of my life, I am waiting for my next friend-friend. But I'm starting to think I will never find them. Life has created in me a hermit.

I have my animals, Zulu and Othello. I have my husband, Brock. But beyond that, I am and will always be distanced from everyone else, disjointed in a way that makes close relationships all but impossible without some change from me.

Extremely uplifting post, after all the empty space in between. But then, my mind has not been geared toward spilling out into a blog. All of my thoughts have been stuffed inside my head, slowly composting.

I have started writing again, slightly. But I think that it's a small start. And as I finally start to try reaching out, I find it bittersweet. We will probably be moving within the next six months, and any new connections I make out here will disappear. Well, except for those made online. But even those are scarce.

I will (FINALLY) have my Associate's in Accounting after this semester, with enough credits to match someone with a Bachelor's.

Life is a puzzle, and the pieces are constantly changing.