I've been struggling with whether I wanted to post this or not, because I felt like it was more of a grab for attention by sharing it. But I can't keep everything bottled inside, so instead of facebook, I chose my blog. Enjoy your reading, for what it's worth.
GREEN HEART
. . . . . . blue soul.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Black Hole.
I can feel it pressing harder
I hear it whisper softly
This weight upon my shoulder
Begging friends with me
Like a deep blue heavy feeling
It calls me back in time
To the girl it once sent reeling
To a world that had no rhyme
This black hole of depression
Is sucking me back in its arms
Alone and empty, here I am
A victim to its charms.
Until I'm Home.
I feel like I'm on an island, far out at sea.
I'm all alone, no one but me.
I send up flares to all my friends,
But the wind comes in, and my signal bends.
The silence here is hard to bear,
I think I'll sleep until I'm there.
I'm all alone, no one but me.
I send up flares to all my friends,
But the wind comes in, and my signal bends.
The silence here is hard to bear,
I think I'll sleep until I'm there.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Tonight, I let myself feel.
The things I spend my time thinking about are numerous.
Whenever my mind crosses the idea of having children I don’t
think “I want a baby” I think more along the lines of wanting to bring someone
into this world in a better place than I was, I think of teaching them to
become a good person, who is open and loving and forgiving and adventurous and
fearless and smart. I want to bring someone into this world so that I can
instill the best of all I have learned in life.
I often think of all the people I’ve known in my life –
either briefly or for longer moments. Those I had relationships and friendships
with. I wonder where they are in their lives, whether they’re happy. I wonder
what life is like for them, and if they ever think of me the way that I think
of them. I think about what kinds of stories we’d have to tell to each other,
if we ever met again. Would we talk like no time had ever passed? Or would it
be awkward and different? I think of everyone, and wonder if they know how much
I appreciate the way they were once a part of my life, and how grateful I am to
have known them. I want to tell everyone I know - and once knew – that I love
them for who they are and the part they played in my life.
When I’m driving, my mind always goes to my biggest fear in
life. This is because my fear is that one day I might accidentally run over an
animal. I’ve seen so many dead animals on the road, and it always breaks my
heart. I wonder, what kind of pain did they feel? Were they afraid? Did they
have a good life – full of love? Or were they alone, strays running away from
everything, always thinking about survival? Did they know what it feels like to
be loved? Did anyone care about them? Did anyone try to save them?
This always makes me think of all the strays in the world,
and how afraid and lonely they probably are. I wish that I could save them all,
and give them all the kind of love they deserve. I wish that I could give them
all safety and protection and stability, something good that they can rely on.
I don’t like that hundreds of animals arrive at a shelter every day and that so
many of them go unclaimed and are euthanized. It breaks my heart that those who
are euthanized live the last days of their lives wondering what happened, where
they are, why doesn’t someone love them. So many spend the rest of their days
afraid and alone in an unwelcoming place, a metal cage and a concrete floor and
no one to care.
I think of my animals – my four-legged children. I think of
how guilty I feel for not giving Zulu the attention she deserves, for not
playing fetch with her and for staring at my computer and phone instead of
loving her. I want her to understand how much she means to me, and how empty my
life would be without her. I wish I could give her the world, and I hate that
she has to spend most of her life waiting for me to come home, waiting for me
to look at her, just waiting. I am always reminded, when I see her watching me
leave the house every day, of just how different our lives are. I can go and do
things, I have the world, while she only has me. I feel guilty every time I
look at her, because I know that she deserves so much more. And I feel grateful
too, because my life is so much richer and fuller with her in it.
And then there’s Othello. Every time I look at him, my heart
swells with pride. Pride at the fact that I was able, at least, to save one
life. When I look at him, I see all the progress he has made from the unkempt,
obese, terrified and alone cat he once was, the cat who had been in the shelter
for 3 years because nobody wanted an older cat with problems. He trusts me now,
he doesn’t run at the slightest sounds anymore, he rubs up against Zulu when he
used to hiss at just the sight of her. I feel grateful that I was able to give
him the love he needed, and the home and stability and protection he needed.
And when I see him, I think of the two cats I once had. One
was my baby, Mike. He was my shadow, ever since I was 12. He followed me, he
trusted me. When my mother could no longer keep him, I was able to hide him in
my dorm room for a few weeks, but then I was found out. Those last few weeks of
his life, he came to trust me even more, he loved me so much, he trusted me
when I told him it was okay to come out when he was hiding because someone came
into the room, and he would come out. When I no longer had a home for him to
stay, I made the hardest decision of my life. A decision I regret every second
I breathe. I did not want him to end up in the pound, wondering what happened
and why I left him. I didn’t want him to be afraid, and alone, and think I didn’t
love him. I didn’t want him to live his last days in a small metal cage.
Because no one adopts an eight year old cat. They want kittens. So I made the
decision to end his life, where I could hold him until the light left his eyes.
I wanted his last moments to be in my arms. That was four years ago, and to
this day I still regret it with every ounce of my being. It was a selfish
decision. I still wonder what things would be like if I had been able to find
him a home until I could keep him with me, because it was less than a year
later that I got married and moved into an apartment where I could have kept
him. Those last moments of his life haunt me.
The other cat I had, Skippy, had grown up with Mike. They
were brothers, and had known only us and each other for their entire lives
(eight years). At the same time that I gave Mike up, my mom decided to take
Skippy to the pound. I can still hear him meowing in my arms as we signed him
over. To this day, I wonder what happened to him. Did he ever find a new home?
Did he wonder why we gave him up? Did he spend his last days in a small metal
cage, afraid and alone, abandoned, missing the only life he had ever known?
Missing his brother?
I will never heal from these wounds of my past. I will never
be able to change my decisions. But I can learn from what I’ve done, and make
sure Zulu and Othello never have to know that kind of pain, never have to feel
abandoned and lost and alone. There are other things I think about, but right
now, my heart is feeling shattered. So I’m going to say goodnight.
Song of the night, playing over in my head:
Missing You - John Waite
Song of the night, playing over in my head:
Missing You - John Waite
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Happy Days
So if you don't know me on facebook, you will be pleased to know that I am making new friends. :D
It's a wonderful thing called craigslist that has helped. Yes, bizarre I know. People post ads for friends, and I am not an exception. It has worked wonders lol.
I now have a friend I go to the gym with, and I am going to meet another girl tomorrow for lunch.
I also rediscovered the library - so now that I am reading more I will have a library card to rent with. Yay!
I am on a new medicine now, and it also has been working wonders coupled with my new social life and my more constant gym experience. :)
I'm feeling much better and happier now. Yay for me! Lol.
Hope all is going well with you!
Song of the day:
I've Always Loved You - Third Day
It's a wonderful thing called craigslist that has helped. Yes, bizarre I know. People post ads for friends, and I am not an exception. It has worked wonders lol.
I now have a friend I go to the gym with, and I am going to meet another girl tomorrow for lunch.
I also rediscovered the library - so now that I am reading more I will have a library card to rent with. Yay!
I am on a new medicine now, and it also has been working wonders coupled with my new social life and my more constant gym experience. :)
I'm feeling much better and happier now. Yay for me! Lol.
Hope all is going well with you!
Song of the day:
I've Always Loved You - Third Day
Saturday, August 31, 2013
I got it.
So I finally figured out a way to describe the way I feel right now.
I feel like a cat trapped in a bag - struggling to get out. Except the bag is my skin. Pretty picture eh?
I'm even going so far as to try to make friends by answering craigslist ads for friends. I've posted my own ads before, but this time I thought I be on the receiving end instead.
So that's all I had to say.
Song for the second:
Motions by Matthew West
"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day.....
I don't want to spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions"
I feel like a cat trapped in a bag - struggling to get out. Except the bag is my skin. Pretty picture eh?
I'm even going so far as to try to make friends by answering craigslist ads for friends. I've posted my own ads before, but this time I thought I be on the receiving end instead.
So that's all I had to say.
Song for the second:
Motions by Matthew West
"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day.....
I don't want to spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions"
Grasping at nothing.
I feel like I'm grasping at air, grasping at nothing. I feel as though there are a bed of hot coals under my feet and I need to run but I'm glued to the ground. My body feels such a way that is making me slowly go insane.
I have determined through help of my 'life counselor' that I need to set a schedule for my day and stick to it, to make some things as though they are jobs and that I absolutely have to do.
It seems to be working, but now it's like I'm walking around my house looking for something to do and I can't think of anything. I'm so bored. I'm making activities out of thin air, and even that does not satisfy. It's driving me crazy.
Right now is a perfect example. I have things I can do - like read for next week's homework, read a book of my own, or watch tv or a movie. But it feels like I'm making things up, and it seems so useless.
I don't even make sense anymore.
Anyway, that's really all I have to say. I'm just trying to waste time until it's an appropriate time for me to go to bed. Not because I'm tired, but because I'm bored and that's making me tired.
Song of the day:
Carry me by Josh Wilson
Favorite lyrics:
"I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now "
Just because I like the way it sounds.
I have determined through help of my 'life counselor' that I need to set a schedule for my day and stick to it, to make some things as though they are jobs and that I absolutely have to do.
It seems to be working, but now it's like I'm walking around my house looking for something to do and I can't think of anything. I'm so bored. I'm making activities out of thin air, and even that does not satisfy. It's driving me crazy.
Right now is a perfect example. I have things I can do - like read for next week's homework, read a book of my own, or watch tv or a movie. But it feels like I'm making things up, and it seems so useless.
I don't even make sense anymore.
Anyway, that's really all I have to say. I'm just trying to waste time until it's an appropriate time for me to go to bed. Not because I'm tired, but because I'm bored and that's making me tired.
Song of the day:
Carry me by Josh Wilson
Favorite lyrics:
"I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now "
Just because I like the way it sounds.
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