....well, other than that some people are so incredibly fake, and that I'm still amazed at how long it takes me to figure it out.
Now that I've finally gotten that tidbit out there - I'll write what I wrote earlier.
I have long thought that I was forgettable. Well, maybe not to that extent, not quite. But, certainly, replaceable. Oh, I hear things to the contrary all the time, but when it comes down to it - they're simply words. Strip everything bare, right down to the nuts and bolts, and you'll find me so unbelievably ordinary that you won't even have to wonder why I say such things.
Some insist on continuing to argue the opposite - family usually. Or those who claim friendship (you'll understand my word usage in a paragraph or two). But I've seen it happen time and again. When something (or more appropriately, someone) better comes along, I'm dropped and forgotten.
People wonder why I'm bitter or a hermit. I certainly don't, not when I stop to think about why. Hell, I don't even like me sometimes.
But even considering that, I still feel like they owe me more than that. You don't tell me I'm awesome, or of the best friends you've ever had - and then ignore me when you find someone else. Don't come to me only when there isn't anyone else around. I'm not a fucking back-up plan, thank you very much. Don't call me your best friend and then turn around and betray me - and accuse me of things I wouldn't do, and call me names that couldn't possibly describe me. If you were my friend, you would know all of that. When you do that, you only show me just how little you really know about being a true friend.
Maybe that's why I love books so much - that's the only place I've ever found people who weren't too selfish to care about a friend. I know I would do anything to help a friend out (and in fact, have on several accounts) - but I've yet to find someone who'll do the same for me.
What is so infinitely wrong with me that no one feels I'm worthy? Perhaps it's the reason I think so little of myself - why does no one want to be there for me?
I'm beginning to believe I will never find a true friend. Maybe I don't even deserve one.
It makes me want to cry when I hear songs like "You've Got A Friend" by James Taylor.
It makes me want to give up.
No comments:
Post a Comment