Who needs a bloody title?

"Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all."
-Up Against the Wall (Boys Like Girls)

I'm really trying very hard not to think about this, because I'm sure I'll simply make myself more nervous and afraid and less likely to do it. Family is supposed to be there for you, right? Forever, no matter what? *shakes head* It isn't like that anymore. The ties between members are more fragile, thinner and less of a bond forged to protect against the outside world.

We're all on our own in this world we call home.

If you're wondering who I'm talking of, it's my father. Or used to be. Why does it always seem to be the father, when you're talking of that one family member who isn't where they should be? Well, except in the case of L. The roles are reversed in her case. But nevertheless, it's him. I want to fashion a present for him for Christmas, or maybe New Year's. A note attached "Because I'm trying not to be vindictive." I don't know if I'll ever send said present. I probably won't. And if I do, I'll likely be crushed when I still don't hear back from him, like it's been for the past four years.

My invisible words.

I know I've told myself, and my mother, that I don't really care anymore. But I'm not the kind to just abandon a relationship, of whatever nature it is, with no regard for the other involved. I'm not the kind who can simply give up, not try at all. I want to believe that October of 2004 isn't the last I'll ever hear from him, that the letter he sent won't be the last he ever thinks of me. I've always wondered, or at least I have recently, if I'll never hear from him again until that one day I get a phone call, the phone call. Am I still in his will? Or will I never hear from him again? Not a single word exchanged, nor thought provoked.

It hurts, obviously. You can't live through this sort of rejection without wondering, without thinking or believing, that it's your fault, your flaw. His reasons are entirely unknown, so I can't help but ask myself over and again if it was something I did or didn't do, if I simply wasn't good enough, if I simply wasn't enough. I shouldn't blame myself, but somehow, for some reason, I still feel it's my duty to mend this rift, if that's all it is, my responsibility to make the first move, because I still remember him, things related to him, so many memories that can't ever fade. He's part of my past, but can I accept that he might not be a part of my present, my future? Will he never know of me again after I've turned eighteen and graduated and he isn't required to send child support every month (though he's only sent it sporadically at best since last year)? Do I mean so little to him? Does he even think of me at all?

Perhaps that is part of where my drive to get good grades comes from. If I can manage a 4.0 GPA all four years, I'll have something to rub in his face, something to show and say "See, I really am worthy of your time. Please look at me." Pathetic even in my own head. Would he ever feel pride? Regret for not being there? Indifference? If I can manage complete control of my own life, does that make me worthy of his?

I'm procrastinating, though. I'm forgetting the Common Application, my Physics lab report, my English paper, my sleep. I'm abandoning myself in the hopes it will all work out on its own.