Um, okay.

It finally started snowing today. It started this morning, and I don't believe it's stopped all day long. Started off light, and now it's pretty wet and heavy. I can't wait to see what it will look like in the morning. Pristine, white, crystal clear. *sighs*

I wonder. Do they really not see anything, or (if they do) why do they do nothing? *shakes head* I feel like I live my life full of blind horses, stumbling in the directions they've followed before, assuming the world is still the same. I'm trying hard not to flaunt what they can't see. But, in my heart, I really want to, to see their reactions - shock, disbelief, or ever more studious denial.

I could barely find the energy, today, to reach across my desk for my pencil, much less go up and down the stairs multiple times. I could hardly stay standing. A lot of my friends, in school, said that after last night, they really wanted to come over to my house and give me a hug. I almost wish they had. *sighs heavily* Today was really difficult. Tomorrow will be doubly so, I know. I'm not sure if I want to make it through alive, when I'm not really whole. If you could call this anything, I suppose it would be a "death wish." I don't have the will to kill or cut myself, but I really don't want to survive this. In study hall, in the cafeteria, I kept imagining some sort of Columbine-like event, hoping beyond hope they would find me first.

I'm tired of being strong, because being strong means being alone. I don't know if I can handle alone much longer, if I can stand it. It truly is painful. I keep expecting my heart to stop, my lungs to collapse, something to burst within my head. I'm becoming impatient. It hurts, and I've always had a low tolerance for pain.

I'm not sure if I've really stopped crying at all for about five hours now. I couldn't even produce the will to do my homework. And I have a lot of it. Most due in the next two days. Two due tomorrow, for the same class. I don't know if I can do it.

I don't want to go to sleep. But not because of what I might see. I'm afraid, in sleep, I will be enveloped in the darkness, in unawareness. I desperately need to feel this, whatever it is, every ache within my soul, every throbbing in my body, every part that hurts. I don't want to be shielded from this, I need to feel it. Call me a wallower, I don't know. I can't find the will, the desperation, to claw my way out of this one.

Do you know what I did tonight? I was lying on my bed, listening to my music, flat on my back, and I closed my eyes and I could have sworn I could feel J. there. I could feel his palm brushing my cheek, thumb wiping the tears, before he placed his face against mine and wrapped his arms around me. I could have sworn I felt something brush my lips. And then all the muscles in my face relaxed completely, like he was smoothing them down, cradling my face in his hands. I opened my eyes after a moment, fresh tears in my eyes, and I begged him, "Take me, take me with you. Please, don't leave me here alone. I can't do this, I'm tired of it, I don't want to." Well, of course he didn't.

You see, he's dead. I don't know if I've mentioned that before now. And I can imagine him pulling me up, up out of my body, straight into his arms, straight into the clouds. I'm not sure if I believe in a heaven, but where else could he be? I honestly can't see him anywhere less perfect, less - anything.

I feel hollow. I want something to happen on the ice tomorrow, because it will, without a doubt, be icy out there in the morning. Will I be reckless on purpose? Or just, not careful? I'm hoping I don't have to wait. I really hope I don't.