Lots and lots of Thinking. (yes, capitalized.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjaGB62SYCM
I'm really liking this song, but I won't even begin to attempt to spell the title. :)
Oh, and this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNqQC7R_Me4) isn't too bad either.

There is something vaguely reminiscent about today, something which reminds me how little importance I hold in others' hearts. My mother promised to take me shopping today for some much needed pants (as I only have one pair, technically, now), and she's still sleeping, well past the appointed hour. Of course. Not that I have any money to buy more than one pair, if that, if I even find one pair (which I probably won't, or wouldn't). *grimaces*

And maybe that's it, but it's still enough to make me stop and wonder: do I really mean as much as I hope I do? I just feel this vague sense of neglect, like everyone is slowly forgetting about me, and I'm not really as important as I used to be, if I ever was. I hate to think it.

Something people don't need. If it's true, then there it is. And if people respond to my lamentations of neglect, it's obligation which drives them, resignation their motivation. I can't seem to feel like the attention is deserved, it feels more like habitual duty, they did it before and suppose they must do it still. But anyway.

I don't know, until I'd thought of it, truly, today didn't really have anything more than an off sense, a deja vu quality. I've done this before, I've been here, I've thought this. There is simply something about this moment that doesn't quite fit. Perhaps I'm forgetting to do something, perhaps I'm the one who feels the obligation, the need, the lead weight of resignation. Maybe I feel like I don't need them, but then I'd be lying. Perhaps it is simply at this very moment in time I don't need them.

I've been writing some poems lately, but I haven't really finished many, and those I have have quite astounded me. Then again, I don't know. Maybe they haven't. I keep my poetry here, if you're interested. Doubtful, but nonetheless. I don't mind readers of this blog to cross over to there, because my poetry is basically like my subtly worded journal, another extension. To have readers of my poetry cross over to this site, my more (how do you say?) explicitly worded journal, well, that would be beyond embarrassing. Anyway (my new favorite word, it seems), that's that, isn't it? I like to keep the illusion of privacy and anonymity, as well as I can. There are a few visitors to my poetry blog that I definitely wouldn't want to see this. But I need a new topic.

Unfortunately, I haven't anything else to say. Hmm. Except to say that my new camera is in the mail, coming to me soon. I'll be snapping pictures left and right, I'm sure, in all the frenzy and euphoria of having a new camera. :) I cannot wait, I really cannot.

Though this present of mine (only the second from my entire family, mind you) will still feel like an obligation, an old promise that someone had to keep, rather than wanted. *sighs* Still, I'll enjoy it immensely, after I get over my guilt at having asked for something from someone.

I am now doubly sure that I am only a distraction for C. A distraction, and not necessarily a much enjoyed one at times. Simply, one that's there, a sort of "what the hell, why not?" distraction for conversation. No, he doesn't read my poetry. Not anymore. He did momentarily, for a while. I know this, because he used to comment, and I mean actually comment. He doesn't anymore, not even a little. If he did read my things, he'd have more to say, or rather, something to say. Wow, that makes me feel a bit worthless. I should know better, obviously, but still, it kind of hurts to realize this. I know I'm simply something he takes for granted, so I really want to somehow show him that I'm not really always going to be available for conversation centered around him, but it's rather a hard thing to maneuver, if I was to be completely honest. I just get a great big shot of whatever-that-happy-hormone-it-is-that-makes-you-feel-absolutely-splendid-after-exercising that just makes me grin from cheek to cheek. Yeah, like I've said, I'm pathetic.

Here, this oughta cover it. I love this song, just discovered it yesterday. "Out of Reach" by Gabrielle. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHbvfLp2WVc)

I wonder, if he was to read this blog, what would he think? No, better yet, I wonder if he would even take the time to read this blog at all? Likely the latter, if I was honest. And I wonder if I would want him to, if I would care that he knows something more about me, something more that he might be able to discard as rubbish, useless information that he didn't even want to know in the first place?

I wonder if I should stop wondering? Yeah, that sounds the safest bet.