As I said. . . (warned, really)

Once the words start coming, they never seem to stop.

So, apparently, M. is getting me a gift for christmas. He told me so last period today. All I could respond with was "Why?" when inwardly I was thinking "Dear god no, why me? Why does he continue doing this? What reason has he to get me a present?" *sighs*

I suppose it is partially my fault. He probably thinks I'm flirting with him a lot of the time, and if I am, I can't really help it - it's in my nature, a helpless habit, kind of like tripping. I've noticed at lunch, now, that he tends to stand right in front of me to talk, even if someone else is talking and I really want to hear what they're saying and I've been talking with them for quite some time before he had to show up and effectively cut that into shreds, and yet he doesn't back off even if I'm not really listening to him or paying attention because I can't listen to two *insert curse word* conversations at the same time. *drops head into hand, sighs, shakes head*

He just moves, closer, closer, until he's right in front of me, successfully blocking everyone else off and *rolls eyes* making it blatantly obvious that he likes me. *closes eyes tightly* He honestly, and in this I do not lie, honestly thinks that I don't know that he likes me. And, he also probably thinks that I like him as well. *insert a slew of curse words*

Lately I can't help but throw a glance at this guy C. while he sits on the floor and witnesses all this helpless exploitation by a guy I never really liked in the first place but couldn't help but go on a date with or be nice to because I'm a nice person and can't stand hurting someone so obviously. . . . This is shit, isn't it? I'm screwed. Only six more months to endure. *sighs*

Oh, and have I mentioned? I'm entirely screwed in all different ways when it comes to college apps. The colleges I really want to go to are due on Monday. I have so many things to do for them, it's too stressful to even consider. I'm panicking, terrified, petrified, and expected to do this with absolutely no help nor background knowledge/experience. I'm supposed to know how to do this, and get everything done while juggling all my stupid homework. Oh, did I mention either? Yesterday, I had three tests, one in Physics, Latin, and Governemnt (which I got a 64% on, damn impossible tests, regardless of studying). The day before, a test in Math. The day before that, a semi-test in English. And today, another semi-test in English. Life is absolutely fabulous isn't it? I also have to write a six paragraph minimum research/literary analysis by Monday, because the teacher loves to spring deadlines on you, and completely minimize your time to work on any papers at all. I've never been expected to write such a paper so quickly.

I hate life - I'm considering dropping out of it. Leaving, quitting, giving up on the whole institution altogether. Or at least, giving up high school and college, or at the very least, just college. It would be easier. Why don't I just go to a state school for a year? . . . Hm, let me think on that: because I'm a masochistic, mildly-suicidal, brain-ready-to-explode, ex-valedictorian who loves to pile on as much stress on herself as possible. Yeah, that would be it.

Anyway, it's nearing midnight, and my eyes are watering for some odd reason, as though someone is blowing wind right into my eyes or I've held them open for one minute too long. They won't stop this irritating feeling. So I'm going to go to sleep before my stomach convinces me that I need to eat something.