I took a bit of a "sabbatical." Or rather, a vacation from home. I couldn't take it anymore. I came home Thursday after school to grab my things, and then I went to a friends house. I just got home tonight. *looks down* I'm fighting tears, but when has that ever been new lately?
I didn't forget to write in my journal, so I'll just type that here. It isn't very long, but gets to the point nicely.
12/4 - Thursday
There is a voice screaming inside my head. A wordless sound.
But I am silent, very much so. More than ever before because this is a subdued, must-stay-contained silence. I am unobtrusive, more so than ever.
I'm staying at a friend's (L.'s) house.
This can't go on, can't continue.
I'm not sure I can stay at my house any time soon. Tomorrow is Friday, then there's the weekend.
12/5 - Friday
There is a wordless panic in my head.
My MP3 is dead. I have nothing to drown in, nothing to drown out the voice that continues to scream emotions at me; wordless, chaotic and desperate. I am adrift and lost. I'm not sure how to cope without that numbness.
--
The first couple movies we watched, I couldn't even pay attention to them, I couldn't focus on them at all. I haven't completely eliminated that voice in my head, but I'm trying. I'm back home here, Sunday night. I'm not sure if I want to be, but I need to do some laundry in any case. I'm going to start an experiment. When I was getting ready earlier, before I left for home, I looked in the mirror, and my eyes were a nice clear, bright, soft green. They were beautiful like that, I'm not sure it lasted very long after walking back into my front door. I'm going to check and see how their color changes. What moods produce which colors.
My friend assures me I can stay at her house. I'm tempted. But even her house can become too much. I don't know. I don't want to feel the burden everywhere. It's inevitable at home, and it's becoming more so with L. This really sucks.
I've learned how to knit. I'm rather proud of myself. I started yesterday, and I've already finished a scarf tonight. I'm rather fast, it's pretty cool. This is almost a relief. Knitting is almost like doing origami, reading, listening to music: repetitive. Endlessly the same, easy to get caught up in so that the time flies for you, swift and fleet. I'm glad. Now all I need to do is buy yarn and needles with money that I don't have. I'm thrilled. . . . . Sense my sarcasm?
Yeah, me too.
If I relax my face, if I don't pay attention, my eyes will widen in panic I'm sure. I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through the next few months.
"I Still Ain't Over You" Augustana
"Scars" Papa Roach
"Right Here" Hawk Nelson
"Rain" Breaking Benjamin
"I'd Rather Be With You" Joshua Radin
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