So . . .

Today, I'm not so much the bouncy happy. I think you could call it calm, quiet happy. Content happy, you know?

I didn't get to bed until about a quarter to 4 this morning. That is sadly how I go.

Every day of this break, this extended weekend, I have woken up about an hour later than the day before. 11 o'clock on Saturday, 12 on Sunday, and 1 o'clock today. But that's okay. I'm not going to complain. I enjoy this, lazy and languorous waking up without hurry on a day with nothing to do but write and read and shower. I love it. It's very relaxing.

I cannot remember what I dreamt about last night, it's all very fuzzy. But I think it was a good dream, I honestly do. Something to the effect of me not being alone. That's a nice feeling. I do so hate to be alone, but that isn't something I can remedy in the immediate future. And even if I could, I doubt my mother would appreciate it much. :D

So, I really haven't felt like I've written poetry worth reading in ages. I'm trying to get back into that particular rhythm, but it's difficult. Mostly because the last time I left off writing poetry, I was in the worst of moods. Now that I feel so high, so in the clouds, I have to reevaluate that pacing, that pattern of words. I need to recalibrate my meter and rhyme, find different, newer, and (simply for the length of time it's been since I've used them) strange words to write with. I haven't had to attempt to explain this feeling in what feels like years, though I'm sure it's been only months. In all actuality, it scares me a little. Those words are unfamiliar to my mind at this time, I've not used them. I haven't measured them, weighed their worth, crawled into their syllables to find their spirit. I think it will take some effort, on my part, and some getting used to again, before I can be comfortable with them.

But I won't despair. I won't talk of that, or I will worry, and worrying is the worst thing to do.

Did I ever mention that I never, not once in all the time I dated him, mention J. in my journal? Not even once. Not in passing, not casually, not at all. Now, that's a scary thought. I'm not surprised, and yet I am. I've mentioned M. and U., I've definitely mentioned C., but never did I talk about J. And was the only one I felt like I actually got close to, he was the one I came as close physically (however little that was) and emotionally as I did. Was he really that unimportant in my life? I mean, I can remember him, those memories are engrained into my brain, my heart, but was he really not that important to me at the time? Did I care so little? Or was I afraid someone would read my journal, afraid he would read my journal? I really, sincerely hope it is the latter excuse. But I honestly don't know. I'm afraid to admit it, but what if it is the former, that he really wasn't so important? And if I admit that, it almost feels like I'm defacing him memory, like I'm . . . I can't find the word. It's like, if I admit that he didn't mean anything to me, I'm losing something of myself, and completely ruining the guy I remember everyday of my life. I'm saying he was nothing, his death meant nothing to me, he had no impression on my life and no real purpose if he didn't at least die with my love. God, did I even love him?! FUck. I need to get off this subject. It's not the right time, not the right place, and not the right frame of mind, to be thinking on it. I'll just make myself cry if I do, I know this.

It's too confusing. I don't want to think about it, I refuse to. That will definitely damper my mood. And I so very much want to cling to this mood, this euphoria, what little is left of it.

Of course, now it's not even that happy mood, it feels more contemplative. Damn. That is inconvenient. *sighs* I suppose these things never last, so ephemeral.

As my eyes begin to tear, I will leave you. This will be the end of this post, and I will go write something. Something happy, I have to. I must. *takes deep breath, tries to breathe*

A lot of Lifehouse songs today, aren't there? And those others, well, just randomly mixed in. No particular importance, really. Enjoy, if you listen to the songs I set out. I know those last ones are more of the teenage girl caliber, but oh well. Can't please everyone all the time.
"Breathing" - Lifehouse
"From where you are" - Lifehouse
"Give me your eyes" - Brandon Heath
"Hanging by a moment" - Lifehouse
"Tangled up in me" - Skye Sweetnam
"Slow Down" - Aly & Aj
"Say Okay" - Vanessa Hudgens