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Can I just say right from the beginning? I am in love with Joshua Radin's songs at this moment. His music is so quiet, calm, and yet not. It's like Lifehouse, but softer.

Winter
These Photographs
Closer ***
Only You ***
Someone Else's Life ***
Everything'll Be Alright ***
What If You
Star Mile
Today

Or basically, his entire CD We Were Here. :D I told you, I'm in love with his music. It all fits so naturally into my mind, it does not intrude. *sighs* It's very calming, as well. A little heartbreaking and bittersweet, too, but that might just be me. His songs are, after all, mostly about love. Yeah, I know.

I really have a silent promise in my head not to really write about C. on here very often. I don't want to, mostly because it inevitably leads to either confusion, anger, annoyance, sadness, self-pitying tears, or all of them together. Not necessarily because of him, but because of the issues he brings up, the ideas his presence induces, the memories and pangs he unconsciously tugs back into my mind. But these past few days, he's been so here that it's very difficult not to talk about him.

It isn't as though I harbor a hope for him. That's over with, I'm sure of it. But he continually says things which make me almost want to doubt my assurance, things which are almost purposefully pushing me to, vaguely demanding, urging, coaxing me to give up what I've resolved and simply fall head over heels. It's almost like he wants me to fall for him, and in doing so, to fall so irrevocably, fall so hard that it's impossible for me to stand back up without him. I know that isn't his purpose, but it really does make me doubt sometimes.

He's adamant in saying things to definitively push me away, like "I only like older women." But then he goes and says things like "I only want to date a poet, and she has to be beautiful, and smart." . . . yeah, mixed messages much? Or maybe that's just me. I do seem to read too much into things, and when I see what he describes I think "Me!" It's highly and extremely likely that isn't what he means by this. *rolls eyes* I truly am pathetic sometimes.

. . .

I got very sidetracked. Um, according to L. (because she saw the worst of tonight, the worst of my sleep deprivation, the . . . side effects) I really really really need to go to bed now. She could read it in my writing, apparently, as we chatted. :D She's right.

I'm going to bed, then.