Spin Control?

I feel like I'm losing control of my own life.

Graduation went great. I said my speech without a hitch, except for the very end (last 10 seconds or so), when I got a little hard to hear. I didn't trip, I didn't do anything stupid. But, all of my family left before the end of graduation, so I didn't get to see anyone except for my mom and sister, who were my ride home as it was.

M. and I, well, everything is relatively in the open, I guess. He likes me, I like him, but I'm afraid in this 'relationship' I'll be the only one who makes the first move. I haven't talked to him since the night of graduation. Oh well. Everyone in my family assumes he's my boyfriend, but I'm not entirely sure yet. I don't know.

The party the school held for graduation night was fun. I won some money, played some games, saw a hypnotism (which was hilarious). But I played some weird game and it game me a little whiplash. Thankfully, it isn't too serious a form of it, I didn't go to the doctor for it, and I'm hoping my neck will feel better soon enough (and not take six months to heal, like my sister's did).

I got sick on the night of my last day of school, last friday. So, I almost lost my voice for graduation. Thankfully, it came back in time. But, the next day, it was pretty much gone. I'm hoping I'll get over this cold soon. It's been almost a week, after all.

But, the main topic of concern for this post, is the fact that with my stepdad here, I'm not getting any exercise whatsoever. And I mean none. Not to mention, we keep eating out, and eating ice cream, and none of it is good for me. I've probably gained weight this week. It really pisses me off. Nobody in my family understands that I need to lose weight, and I can't if I don't eat healthy. Greasy pizza, ice cream, candy bars, steak, onion rings, bacon, etc. Not fucking good for me. I hate it.

My stepdad did fix my computer for me, though. So, now I have two computers. My big one, and my little one.

I'm supposed to do a bunch of stuff for college today. I hate it. I wish I could forget about it all. My mother never talked to me about this stuff, she never taught me this stuff. This is the first time I have ever seen this shit before. I don't feel like I'm getting any help, I simply feel like they're telling me to do this, and that's it. Do it. Don't learn, don't know, just do. It fucking pisses me off.

I feel like I haven't gotten a break since the last day of school. I've been sick, I'm tired, I'm sore, and I haven't gotten any rest whatsoever. It's aggravating. It's frustrating. I feel lost, and nothing more. I don't feel like I can do this, I don't feel confident, I don't feel competent. I feel like a child.

And M. is pissing me off because he isn't doing anything. And U. is trying to hover over my shoulder throughout this all. He keeps texting me in the morning, and texting me at night, and I'm getting annoyed with it. And M. isn't talking to me. Oh, he's happy, on Facebook this is simply "complicated," and in person, NO FUCKING CONVERSATION. No feedback. Nothing. I mean, I can understand if he's shy, if he doesn't know what to do. But this is getting ridiculous. No, correction, this is ridiculous. He doesn't talk to me about what's going on. I can't have a relationship, if it isn't even defined in the first place. We aren't officially dating, and I don't even know if we ever will be.

I just want to give up. I really do. I got through graduation. I gave my speech. I got my diploma. I did everything I was expected to do. Now can I give up? Can I just stop? It's obvious that I'm not ready. It's obvious I don't know what to do, and that I probably never will. I'm not ready. I'm not. I'm petrified, and I'm angry. I'm sick and I'm tired.

I want to forget about college, I can't even see it happening. I want to forget about this pseudo-relationship, it isn't likely to go anywhere. I want to stay at home, and write. I want to forget it all.

Oh, and did I mention? On the last day of May, I got a letter from my father. That would be, what, two months that it took him to respond to my letter? Wow, I feel special.

And if the only thing life is going to do is shove things at me and expect me to untangle them, then I don't want to try. I would rather be a failure, then collapse under the strain, under the weight of everything I've never learned. I've been here before, I didn't like it. Where's my vacation? Where's my new beginning? I just feel like I'm being tossed in a tidal wave.

This isn't working out. It really isn't, anymore.