Shit.

I've given up trying to understand.

He looked good today. I wonder if he likes me. I like to think he does, but I can never be sure - he also seems to be keeping his distance. He has this funny misconception, sad if you look at it in the proper light, but he seems to think that when we 'dated' before, it just didn't work out. He doesn't know that I never tried, because at the time, I didn't want to. I have a new understanding, and a new appreciation, of him.

I'm afraid it might be too late, though.

At my school, they sell "Kisses" for Seniors, which is just a little bag of Hershey's kisses that you buy to send to a senior at school. You get to attach a note to the bag. And, well, I took a chance and got him one. They hand them out on the third to last day of school. I am absolutely terrified that he will get it in the class period that we have together, I'll probably faint from embarrassment and anxiety and insecurity, melt into a puddle of terror and blushes. It terrifies me, as well, what he'll do if he gets it in another class instead, what his reaction will be, if he will get my 'hint'. Or if he'll even get it. Or if he'll show his friend B. (who I don't really like too incredibly much). I am absolutely terrified, but I did it. Nothing will ever happen if I'm not willing to take a chance.

Isn't there a quote about that? "In love, if you risk nothing, you risk everything." Yes, that's it. And it's true, I know this. I'll never know if anything could happen between us if I don't take that chance, if I don't risk my pride or dignity or whatever the hell will be permanently crushed if he doesn't actually like me anymore, doesn't understand my note, or simply doesn't do anything at all.

But what if he does do something?

I wish he would. Then we'd have the summer, or if nothing else, a few days. I wish he would hug me. I can imagine he gives phenomenal hugs, and I've always been a softie for any guy who can hug me just right. I link that feeling with security, comfort, warmth, safety, and even love, most of all love. Probably because of my father, but I don't know.

He'll get the note in six days.

"I can’t believe the years have gone by so fast! It’s too incredible to believe. A new beginning – that’s the part I can’t wait for. A chance to start all over again in college – theoretically, at least. Lol.
I wish things had turned out different with us.
Keep in touch! "

Now that I read it over again, though, I almost find it a pathetic little note. He couldn't get anything out of that. Could he?

Damn. I think too much. I've always told that to myself time and again, but I suppose that is the curse of being a girl. I don't really know if guys think like this. I haven't read many blogs by them. They might worry as much, but I doubt they write as much.

Oh well.