I AM . . .

Consumed by confusion. I guess I could call it that.

This week, though, I've felt rather empty, rather distanced from my emotions. I know I should be feeling something, but I just feel futile. I feel deflated. I feel like I'm distancing myself, and when I actually feel any emotion it seems like it's either anger or frustration, and even - dare I say it? - useless or pointless jealousy. I feel disillusioned, but I don't know if I have that right.

I keep thinking that I should do something, but when I do, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I feel like I'm offending people, or pushing them away, or making them uncomfortable, or something. I want to cry, but I don't want to - because that is showing a weakness I don't want at the moment. I feel like if I cry, I'm just trying to get attention, or manipulate others to do what I want them to, to instigate one specific other to do something I desperately want him to.

Most of all, in this lack of emotions (despite my use of the word 'feel' multiple times already), encompassing all of this confusion is the fact, the idea, that I just might be coming to like M. more than I ever thought I would. I am consumed by confusion for the very fact that I feel distanced from myself because I like M. when I thought I never would, when I thought he would always annoy me, when I've always (or used to on purpose, though now it's only instinctive to keep everyone away) done everything in my "passive" power to push him away. I realize today, and I have realized this, in this month especially, that I've been starting to like him since before last summer. It's crazy to believe, indefinitely incomprehensible. Now, though, I want him close, much closer than before. Unfortunately, I feel like that is impossible, and I'm coming to believe that it will never happen. Problem is, I don't know if I care whether or not he still likes me, or ever truly did. I don't know if I want him to, and I'm afraid that if he still does, I'll push him away again.

He said something today in class, in a conversation we (along with someone else, who I'm almost afraid he actually likes instead of me, childish as that seems) had. He said, "I don't hold grudges, but I remember. I'll forgive them, but I'll always know what they did, I never forget."

That terrifies me more than anything else.

Have I done anything to him that he will never forget?

I hope not, I desperately hope not.