I thought.

I feel rather depressed tonight.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Not enough time in the day to figure things out. I think I might stay up later tonight to do something along those lines. Maybe even all night.

I feel like I lost six hours, though, six crucial hours. And I really don't want to do any of the things I have planned after school for the next two days. It doesn't feel like they're in the same reality as the one I find myself floating in.

The worst part is, I can imagine M.'s arm around me.

Fuck. What have I done to myself?

Oh, and here is a poem. Sorry I'm so depressing today, and this week. I really did feel great this morning, now I just want to cry - and not just because of him, more because of me, and how I can't seem to control some of my more unthinking impulses.

Before you try and attribute today's feelings to the words you're about to read, I wrote this a few days ago. Anyway, read on.

I (Lost) You

I lost the meaning of ‘you’
In the desert of my mind
Parched from love and time
Aged and wearied by cliché.

I spent a sleepless night
To contemplate the past
And found again that I, still,
Do not know that much.

Everything about you fades
Except for points of light
Your eyes stay still as vibrant
But you do not shine with life.

Guilty for the pretense
Of hating before knowing
Of trying to ignore, and mostly
Pushing you away . . .

My heart will not forget it
Though my image of you fades
Guilt and regret grow with the love –
The ending stays the same.