Where to start?

Oh boy, where oh where do I begin to tell you all that has happened these past few days?

I suppose I could start at the very beginning, and hope I don't forget anything, or leave important details out. So, prior warning, this post will be long, make sure you have 1) enough interest to sustain you, 2) enough time to sit and read forever, and 3) a frown, a smile, and advice at the ready.

Okay, by days, this is what happened.

Wednesday:
Day of the Senior Kisses, M. came to my locker between 3rd and 4th, and all he said was "Thank you for the kisses." It seemed like he wasn't affected at all by it, nothing really changed. That was also the day we (all of us in Latin) exchanged senior pictures. I felt suitably discluded when I had to wonder what it was that he wrote on B's card. And all that other suspicious/jealous feelings, you know.

Thursday:
Still nothing changed. Came to my locker as usual, but we walked (what felt like) rather quickly to our group of friends at their locker. Thus, in one-on-one time, there was hardly anything. That was also the day I had planned to tell him what I was thinking. I had a nice little speech all organized in my thoughts, that would lay it all out - that I liked him, I thought he liked me, but I wasn't sure, yadda yadda yadda, we'd never see each other after high school if nothing happened, etc etc. But, no opportunities presented themselves. In Latin, it seemed like he was ignoring me. I think I probably felt hurt, but masking that was irritation. We took a test, and he kept helping B. I think that just really irked me, that whole resentful feelings, wounded animal, etc. When I was almost done with my test he asked me "Why are you mad?" I told him that I, well, couldn't tell him. He asked me "Why? Is it because you're mad at me?" I don't remember how I answered, probably "No." but nevertheless, he stayed quiet for the remainder of class. After class, however, when we got out into the hall, he goes "You know you can tell me. Doctor M. is here to listen." When I told him "I don't know. I don't even think I can put it to words. I don't even know myself. et cetera." I don't really know exactly what I said, but essentially, that I couldn't even describe it in my head, so I had no idea how to begin to tell him. He said okay, but to message him on Facebook if I figured it out. Then we said goodbye.

At about 5 o'clock that night, I wrote up what I had wanted to say to him, my little speech, and I emailed it to him (on facebook, of course). I heard no response from him that night, and I assumed that he either 1) never read it, 2) never got it, or 3) didn't like me back, or even 4) would tell me what he wanted to at school the next day.

But, FRIDAY:
He did nothing. I never saw him between 2nd and 3rd period, but he came to my locker between 3rd and 4th. Still, though, he didn't do anything. He didn't act like anything was different. It was our last day of school ever. But still, he didn't do anything. He had a different lunch period than me, but he also was a teacher aid during my lunch. When he persuaded his teacher to let him have second lunch as well, he showed up at my locker. We had lunch with everyone else, sat next to each other on the front lawn, etc. Come Latin, we sat there, it was boring, he asked for a hug from another girl in our class. It certainly hurt when he didn't ask for one from me. To me, it felt like a blatant message, a sort of "I don't like you. Do you see? If I did, I would have asked for one from you, too." It was also confusing, because it seemed like he liked me earlier. And honestly, it ruined the rest of my day. I'll be frank about that.

After school, I was standing by my friend's lockers. Again, feeling left out. Not feeling the whole "YAY! This is my last day of school, I'm so excited, I'm going to miss you, blah blah blah." No, I just felt disconnected. U. (from all those posts before, you don't remember him, I'm sure), well, I don't know if I like him really too much, he isn't my type, he likes to do the whole show-off, macho guy thing. But he's a good guy, I think. Well, he asked for a hug. THe only hug I got the entire day. Still, in the end, I didn't want to mooch a ride off of someone, so I decided to walk home instead. 3.5 miles. It was hot. Like, 90 degrees hot. But I got to think. Then, when I got home, I drank a lot of water, and lay down on my bed, listening to some music, almost falling asleep. Mom came home, made some dinner, and I was sitting on the couch when U. called and asked if I wanted to go have dinner with a him and bunch of others.

This is where the story is going to become confusing, for me (mostly), as well as you, since you don't know the background on U.

So, I'm going to take a break, and write it in another post.

Whatever.

Oh just forget it all.

Tomorrow's my last day of school.

Nothing has changed.

Everything is different.

I'll write something later when I feel like writing at all.

Some comic relief,

because it seems like we all need it.

This is a hilarious twist to a modern classic. :D

My dreams - not so sweet.

I had nightmares last night. And I mean, scary dreams. The first one actually woke me up and freaked me out until I realized it was just my cat's leg that was touching my arm, and not some stranger in my bed. You can sort of imagine what that dream was about, then.

I'm so tired, though. So very tired.

But I have to get ready for school.

So, I'll talk to ya later, dear reader.

Don't run away.

Oh,

I forgot to mention.

First of all, apparently my vacation with my sister is delayed to an indeterminate time because my mother has demanded that my sister move out by month's end.

What's going to happen to my cat when my mother decides to forget she ever had kids? When she finally throws everything away, and gives everything up, and leaves?

Also, I started working on my book again. Three days, and I will have unlimited time to do so.

I really just want to crwal into bed and close my eyes and feign comfort. Though I hate self-pity, I really do feel pathetic right now.

Oh what a night for complaints. Sleep well and sweet dreams, whomever and wherever you are.

I thought.

I feel rather depressed tonight.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Not enough time in the day to figure things out. I think I might stay up later tonight to do something along those lines. Maybe even all night.

I feel like I lost six hours, though, six crucial hours. And I really don't want to do any of the things I have planned after school for the next two days. It doesn't feel like they're in the same reality as the one I find myself floating in.

The worst part is, I can imagine M.'s arm around me.

Fuck. What have I done to myself?

Oh, and here is a poem. Sorry I'm so depressing today, and this week. I really did feel great this morning, now I just want to cry - and not just because of him, more because of me, and how I can't seem to control some of my more unthinking impulses.

Before you try and attribute today's feelings to the words you're about to read, I wrote this a few days ago. Anyway, read on.

I (Lost) You

I lost the meaning of ‘you’
In the desert of my mind
Parched from love and time
Aged and wearied by cliché.

I spent a sleepless night
To contemplate the past
And found again that I, still,
Do not know that much.

Everything about you fades
Except for points of light
Your eyes stay still as vibrant
But you do not shine with life.

Guilty for the pretense
Of hating before knowing
Of trying to ignore, and mostly
Pushing you away . . .

My heart will not forget it
Though my image of you fades
Guilt and regret grow with the love –
The ending stays the same.

O.O

I should have written a post this morning. It would have been about ten times peppier. Lol.

I was in such a great mood when I woke up this morning. I couldn't stop grinning ear-to-ear, maybe a couple of jumps, squeals, laughter, etc. Why? Not sure, really, not sure at all.

But I had such fabulous energy when I woke up. And even though I didn't get to bed until a little after midnight, I was so awake. I love that feeling.

I still have my finals this week, and that means I have to study. Hmph. Oh well. It's worth it.

According to my English teacher, they hand out most of the Senior "Kisses" during first period. You know what? When she said that? My eyes grew - wide. Very. I'm absolutely terrified, and having some major doubts about whether or not he still likes me. I want to go for the coward's way out and just tell myself that he likes B. now, just like some other girl, who I know and loathe, told me he does. But I know I don't believe her, I absolutely can't. It goes against my principles. I don't account feelings to one person based on what another person (who doesn't know them) thinks. Gossip is degrading, especially if you listen.

I won't bow down to low self-esteem. I battled that crap years ago, I won't succumb to it now.

And besides, you only get two choices in life. You can either jump into things headlong or skulk away silently. I refuse to run, I refuse to hide, I need to create who I'll be when I'm done with high school - and a coward isn't high on my list of identities. Anyway.

I got his senior photo today, and he wrote a note on the back (because everybody does that). He essentially said, "You are so amazingly talented and I wish you all the luck and happiness you can achieve!" And then signed it "Love, M."

I don't want to be one of those girls who analyze every word, applying meaning that isn't there. So, I won't. But, if he didn't like me, would he have written 'love'?

Ah hell, I don't know. I won't think about it. In fact, I'm going to do something else instead.

I'm not going to think about how he didn't write 'stay in touch' or any nonsense like that. I'm not going to wonder if he got me a Senior "Kiss" or anything else.

I'm going to read/write some poems, read a book, study my math a little, drink some water, listen to my music, and sleep. Then, I'll get up in the morning, and figure things out as I go.

That's the way life ought to go.

If you overanalyze, then you're bound for nothing but endless thinking and your own private hell.

I'll keep you updated, though, on how things do go, if they go. If not, you'll hear, no doubt. :D

Ta!

Is this weird?

Everything I get from my stepdad smells just likes his cologne. My computer is no exception, or my computer bag. And you know what? It smells great.

I love it when I pick up the computer to do something, and set it back down, and I can smell it. I think when I went on vacation with him once that he said he accidentally spilled a bottle once, and now everything just seems to smell like it. Which is awesome. His cologne doesn't smell awful, it smells pretty damn wonderful. I never seem to smell it on him, though, which is probably a good thing. :D

But you know what they say - the cologne makes the man.

I had this discussion in Latin class about a week ago with B. And she agrees with me: If a guy is wearing just the right cologne, it will honestly make him better looking. It's intoxicating, if he's wearing that one scent that makes your eyes cloud over. I guess it's the same with guys and perfume? I wouldn't know, but I assume so.

M. said his favorite scent on a girl is Lilac. I don't even know what that smells like, which is frustrating. But that's how it goes.

I remember last year, a senior in my latin class had the very best cologne I've ever smelled on a guy. I wish I had asked him what he used. (grins) That would have been an odd conversation.

But anyway, just thought I'd write that. Because I'm sitting here at my computer, browsing through random sites, and I catch a whiff of his cologne and I can't help but wonder, what does M. smell like? I've never gotten close enough to know. In fact, I don't even know if he wears any at all.

It'll probably be a while before I find that out, though. (sighs) Damn. ;D

Which reminds (and I don't know how that did), I was running on the treadmill yesterday, and since I haven't got a MP3 anymore, I was using my CD Player. It's too big to carry the entire time I'm running, so I set it next to the treadmill. Unfortunately, that increases the chances of me knocking it over when my hands catch the cord. Can you guess what happened, then? I knocked it off the shelf about four times yesterday, before I finally (accidentally) broke the lid off. So frustrating, but laughable. I'm sure my upstairs neighbors heard my expletives, even over the sound of the treadmill. It still works, though, if I don't want to move it around while I'm using it. Ootherwise the top - where the hinges are at - will come off-ish. The wires keep it on, thank god.

So, so annoying. I honestly need to get another MP3. I hate CD players, I really do. And I've had this one for about six years, ever since my brother pawned my old one.

Anyway, this post is long enough, I think. I need to do some laundry, write an essay, take a shower, and get over my sugar cravings. :D Mom's leaving in a few minutes to go spend more of her life with her 'boyfriend'. I could probably rant for an entire post about how ridiculous my mother is being/is, but I don't feel like ruining my mood at the moment. But, god, how I love to have the house to myself, even if it's because she leaves me all the time. It's great to be so high up on someone's list of priorities. (And yes, that absolutely was sarcasm.)

Ta, then.

As I wake up: . . .

(frustrated sigh)

What if I don't actually like him?

Damnit. I feel like a yo-yo.

It's a pain in the ass, being suspended in limbo like this.

I don't want to wait, I'm tired of being unsure.

In retrospect.

Maybe I wasn't ready yet. Maybe I wasn't over Jeremy yet, it had only been a month or two since he'd left. Maybe I was still too young, still too naive, still too damaged, too selfish, too unclear and unseeing. I didn't know myself very well back then, nor did I know much of what I was doing, or what my actions meant to you. I was rather blind back then. Or maybe it wasn't meant to be just yet. Perhaps we were meant to wait a little while, wait for a new kind of understanding.

Or maybe, maybe I was just scared. Scared to let someone in, scared to get close to anyone, scared to be left behind or ignored or taken for granted. Scared that you might leave like Jeremy left. Scared that I wasn't really worth all that much, scared to be proven right. Absolutely terrified and unwilling to admit it. Perhaps that was why I never took the chance to try.

Too selfish to understand when I had something good. I've had to grow up quite a bit since then, I feel eight years older than I ought to be. But then, you needed to grow up as well, didn't you? You've matured since then. I can see that. You've grown up, and it looks good on you. I can admit that now, I suppose.

You bring a smile to my face even while I'm still wondering whether there will ever be anything between us. Even when I'm sad as hell at the prospect of never seeing you again, you still make me a little bit happier. When I'm tired and wallowing in self-pity, you make me want to be happy, just to see that glint in your eyes. And you try to cheer me up, do little things to make me smile. I can see that. I just worry that it's not only me you think about. I worry that I'm not the one.

I find myself wondering if I will still know you in ten years. If I will remember you, or if we will still be friends, or even something more. I just read a book about the afterlife, I wonder about my own, if I even believe in that sort of thing. Will I get a flashback of my entire life and see you when we were 'young,' and wonder what happened to you, if you're happy wherever you ended up in life, if you still thought about me? Will I ever publish a book and have that knowledge, deep within my heart, that somewhere, you might see it, recognize my name, and smile to remember that silly young girl you once knew.

Tears come to my eyes now, I suppose that's only fitting. This is starting to feel more like a farewell letter, now, which wasn't what I intended. I only hope it's a beginning, not an end. A beginning. I hope you're there to give me inspiration for my stories, and be the only reason I ever write a poem about love. I hope you're the first to read my book, and the first to hold me together when I feel like I'm crumbling and falling apart. I hope you're there. I hope that I'm not wishing, that I'm not grasping at nothing, and imagining just another story. I hope you're not just someone I'll remember in the years to come.

I want to travel to Ireland and Australia with you, and everywhere else combined. I want you by my side when I marvel at the crumbling ruins of ancient castles, enduring and powerful even when broken. I want you there, I want you here. I don't want to forget, or give up.

Or do I wish for too much?
_____

It's not much longer now - he gets the note in 5 days (not what I've written above). He's been coming to my locker between classes, we talk. He's got the best eyes - they're hazel, but I usually only see them when they're green. I always wanted to fall for a guy with green eyes. He gets his hair cut this weekend. I wonder how he will look.

I've been losing weight these past couple months. I wonder if he's noticed. I'm proud of myself, though. I'm very proud.

And if next week is the last week I'll ever see him for the rest of my life, I know I'll cry.

Shit.

I've given up trying to understand.

He looked good today. I wonder if he likes me. I like to think he does, but I can never be sure - he also seems to be keeping his distance. He has this funny misconception, sad if you look at it in the proper light, but he seems to think that when we 'dated' before, it just didn't work out. He doesn't know that I never tried, because at the time, I didn't want to. I have a new understanding, and a new appreciation, of him.

I'm afraid it might be too late, though.

At my school, they sell "Kisses" for Seniors, which is just a little bag of Hershey's kisses that you buy to send to a senior at school. You get to attach a note to the bag. And, well, I took a chance and got him one. They hand them out on the third to last day of school. I am absolutely terrified that he will get it in the class period that we have together, I'll probably faint from embarrassment and anxiety and insecurity, melt into a puddle of terror and blushes. It terrifies me, as well, what he'll do if he gets it in another class instead, what his reaction will be, if he will get my 'hint'. Or if he'll even get it. Or if he'll show his friend B. (who I don't really like too incredibly much). I am absolutely terrified, but I did it. Nothing will ever happen if I'm not willing to take a chance.

Isn't there a quote about that? "In love, if you risk nothing, you risk everything." Yes, that's it. And it's true, I know this. I'll never know if anything could happen between us if I don't take that chance, if I don't risk my pride or dignity or whatever the hell will be permanently crushed if he doesn't actually like me anymore, doesn't understand my note, or simply doesn't do anything at all.

But what if he does do something?

I wish he would. Then we'd have the summer, or if nothing else, a few days. I wish he would hug me. I can imagine he gives phenomenal hugs, and I've always been a softie for any guy who can hug me just right. I link that feeling with security, comfort, warmth, safety, and even love, most of all love. Probably because of my father, but I don't know.

He'll get the note in six days.

"I can’t believe the years have gone by so fast! It’s too incredible to believe. A new beginning – that’s the part I can’t wait for. A chance to start all over again in college – theoretically, at least. Lol.
I wish things had turned out different with us.
Keep in touch! "

Now that I read it over again, though, I almost find it a pathetic little note. He couldn't get anything out of that. Could he?

Damn. I think too much. I've always told that to myself time and again, but I suppose that is the curse of being a girl. I don't really know if guys think like this. I haven't read many blogs by them. They might worry as much, but I doubt they write as much.

Oh well.

I AM . . .

Consumed by confusion. I guess I could call it that.

This week, though, I've felt rather empty, rather distanced from my emotions. I know I should be feeling something, but I just feel futile. I feel deflated. I feel like I'm distancing myself, and when I actually feel any emotion it seems like it's either anger or frustration, and even - dare I say it? - useless or pointless jealousy. I feel disillusioned, but I don't know if I have that right.

I keep thinking that I should do something, but when I do, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I feel like I'm offending people, or pushing them away, or making them uncomfortable, or something. I want to cry, but I don't want to - because that is showing a weakness I don't want at the moment. I feel like if I cry, I'm just trying to get attention, or manipulate others to do what I want them to, to instigate one specific other to do something I desperately want him to.

Most of all, in this lack of emotions (despite my use of the word 'feel' multiple times already), encompassing all of this confusion is the fact, the idea, that I just might be coming to like M. more than I ever thought I would. I am consumed by confusion for the very fact that I feel distanced from myself because I like M. when I thought I never would, when I thought he would always annoy me, when I've always (or used to on purpose, though now it's only instinctive to keep everyone away) done everything in my "passive" power to push him away. I realize today, and I have realized this, in this month especially, that I've been starting to like him since before last summer. It's crazy to believe, indefinitely incomprehensible. Now, though, I want him close, much closer than before. Unfortunately, I feel like that is impossible, and I'm coming to believe that it will never happen. Problem is, I don't know if I care whether or not he still likes me, or ever truly did. I don't know if I want him to, and I'm afraid that if he still does, I'll push him away again.

He said something today in class, in a conversation we (along with someone else, who I'm almost afraid he actually likes instead of me, childish as that seems) had. He said, "I don't hold grudges, but I remember. I'll forgive them, but I'll always know what they did, I never forget."

That terrifies me more than anything else.

Have I done anything to him that he will never forget?

I hope not, I desperately hope not.

"Penny For Your Thoughts."

I don't know how else to explain it, but,
I feel strong, and
I feel breakable.
I just wish his hand would hold mine,
And that he would tell me,
"Everything will be okay."
But -
I don't know what's wrong
To fix.
So how could he?
But I wish he would.
I wish he did.

Tree

I am typing from my new computer. It is exhilarating, to say the least. I cannot stop grinning to look at it. I am terrified as hell it will eventually get a virus on it, but for the moment, I couldn't be happier.

I have three weeks left of school, and the time is seeming to stretch on forever, an endless span of unendurable length. At the end of it, I am going to give a speech in front of my entire class, along with six other of the valedictorians at my school. It's ridiculous how many there are at my school, ten in total, including me. Only one guy, out of all of that. But honestly. The valedictorian ought to be the very top student out of the entire class. If it were like that at my school, as it ought to be, I wouldn't be one. But I'm okay with that. Just being here is an accomplishment in and of itself for me. Especially when I think on all of those days I was willing to simply give it all up and do nothing at all anymore. I'm shocked when I see where I am today. I'm nearly done. I've almost made it. It's unreal.

On another note, I'm rereading the Wheel of Time series. I'm impatient to get through all twelve books, and I cannot wait until the thirteenth comes out in November or later. It's too long to wait. I wish I could read faster, but I usually read this series during the summer rather than the school year, so it is taking twice as long to get through every book. In fact, I'm only on the second one right now. It took two weeks to read the first one, though, admittedly, it is about eight or nine hundred pages long. Nevertheless, I have read it in about five days before. I wish I could this time. Still, I have to remember that I'm going to make myself reread the entire series again when the last book finally comes out. I could roll my eyes at this moment at how ridiculous it seems for me to insist on rereading the series every time a new book comes out. As it is, I've read the series about three times before. This would be my fourth. And it is a very good series, so it truly isn't a hardship, except for the fact that I seem to read no other books for the two months it takes to read the twelve, soon to be thirteen, books. Oh well. Lol. That is life, and what I make of it, no less.

I'm rather excited for the end of June, too. A week after my eighteenth birthday, my sister and I are going to go Oregon to spend a week at the beach. It should be absolutely wonderful. From the twenty-fourth to the first of July, spent doing nothing but watching the sunsets and sunrises, and feeding on the anonymity of being somewhere new, somewhere that no one knows you. *sighs* It sounds perfect - I simply cannot wait.

So my new laptop. I just have to tell you, it's so tiny. Lol. It's the size of a spiral notebook, but about one inch shorter as far as how wide the keyboard goes. The keys are smaller, and closer together, but I don't seem to have any trouble typing on them, so all's well that ends well. It helps that I have such small hands, I imagine. And with it, I can use my camera again. I'm so thrilled about that, you cannot even fathom. Lol.

So, I'm going to upload the pictures I took of the tree outside my house. I've tried to get it on any number of different days, displaying the seasons. It's pretty cool, I think.

The first two are towards the end of March, on the 25 and 26. The first one was a nice day, the next day, not so much. Though, of course, both have snow on the ground.

This next is just over a week into April. I'll tell you what, the snow did not seem to want to leave.

And this last one was taken a couple of days into May. Finally green, and rainy to boot. Will we never get sun here? . . . I doubt it. Lol.

Anyway, that's all I have for tonight. I rather enjoyed looking at the pictures of my wonderful tree. . . well, my neighbor's tree, in any case. Lol. I should go, though. Much to do to get ready for bed, unfortunately, though I feel as if I might shatter instead.