Questions

What is it that disillusions some people? Turns their hearts so bitter and brittle and breakable? It saddens me, mostly because I can't see any viable solution. All I want to do, when I see someone I know so black of heart, is wrap my arms around them. The urge is stronger when it's a friend, more than likely since I always wish someone will do so for me.

So far, none has.

I can't blame them, however. They haven't much experience dealing with those things, nor do they truly see me at my blackest (those are the days I skip school and avoid everyone). It's become a habit this year. Skipping school. My mom won't let me skip more than two days in a row though. Recently this year, really, there are just those times where I know if I were to be in public, disastrous things would happen. Maybe I would start crying, maybe I would literally hit someone, mental breakdown, emotional fracture-lines. I'm so afraid that it will happen, and I won't be able to control what I do. So I avoid. I lock myself in, I shut down - mentally. I won't answer even my best friend's calls. She's learned that I won't answer even her, after several attempts.

This is my process.

Who knows if it is effective, or good for me. Maybe it is like my avoiding eating as often as possible - hopeful, 'pretend' starvation, mimicking complete devastation. I'm sure we all know what that means. Killing myself. I haven't found a good method yet, so maybe I'm testing my own limits to see which way would be best. But I'm not suicidal, just - preplanning. In case. *scoffs at self* I'm ridiculous. I'm just, I don't know, almost desperate for something, anything to break the monotony, (to repeat the only phrase I seem to have) the lack of something. It hasn't worked yet, though.

I'll be moving soon. I shouldn't get my hopes up, then. I have to eliminate all possible sources of connection to this place. Once I'm gone, there's no coming back here, no going back. *so cliche, I know* Still, it's true. I don't want to be tied to here. I just want to be gone.

I cannot rise from the bottom of the sea if I'm still attached to a rock below, I cannot rise if I'm being held back, pulled down, if all my efforts are resisted and ultimately useless. Like swimming against the current, running towards the wind, carrying the world. It can't be done without killing yourself in the process - and in this case, I'd be killing my heart. There are too many horrible memories connected to this place, I need to cut them off. Separate, distance, myself from them. I remember too much, too often, for comfort. But I'm not unhappy, I'm simply not content. That doesn't make sense.

I'm fine, for the most part, until I actually think, contemplate, breathe, live. Then I see there is something missing. Something not quite there. I'm whole, but I'm riddled with holes, pinpricks. Shine a light behind me, and you'll see stars. My heart will shimmer in the dark, the moon centered and shining brightly from within it. *smiles* Metaphors. Don't we love them.

So, back to the original idea of this post: Can I ever help a bitter heart? Heal a disillusioned, stubborn mind? I fervently hope so, because if I can't - all is lost. Or at least, until something happens. And then, well, I don't know. Then I'm lost.