I got it.

So I finally figured out a way to describe the way I feel right now.

I feel like a cat trapped in a bag - struggling to get out. Except the bag is my skin. Pretty picture eh?

I'm even going so far as to try to make friends by answering craigslist ads for friends. I've posted my own ads before, but this time I thought I be on the receiving end instead.

So that's all I had to say.

Song for the second:

Motions by Matthew West
"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day.....

I don't want to spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions"

Grasping at nothing.

I feel like I'm grasping at air, grasping at nothing. I feel as though there are a bed of hot coals under my feet and I need to run but I'm glued to the ground. My body feels such a way that is making me slowly go insane.

I have determined through help of my 'life counselor' that I need to set a schedule for my day and stick to it, to make some things as though they are jobs and that I absolutely have to do.

It seems to be working, but now it's like I'm walking around my house looking for something to do and I can't think of anything. I'm so bored. I'm making activities out of thin air, and even that does not satisfy. It's driving me crazy.

Right now is a perfect example. I have things I can do - like read for next week's homework, read a book of my own, or watch tv or a movie. But it feels like I'm making things up, and it seems so useless.

I don't even make sense anymore.

Anyway, that's really all I have to say. I'm just trying to waste time until it's an appropriate time for me to go to bed. Not because I'm tired, but because I'm bored and that's making me tired.

Song of the day:
Carry me by Josh Wilson
Favorite lyrics:

"I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now "

Just because I like the way it sounds.

I hate it here.

I'm having a lot of difficulties right now.

I don't know if it's because of my medicine, or if it's because these few things in my life really are that intolerable. Did I even use the right word? In- or Un-tolerable? Who even cares?

I used to. Fuck.

I'm going to school online. I hate it. The classes are formatted the same, exactly the same. They go on the same schedule, they do the same thing. All I'm doing is writing papers and trying to read books online. I'm on my computer all the time because of it. And don't get me wrong - it's a great computer. Perfect for it.

But I'm not geared toward schooling like this. I can't stand it. As I said, I hate it. And yet, what the hell else am I supposed to do??

Get a fucking job?! Ya, like that's so fucking easy. I've gone this long without one, how do you think I've managed to? I hate it here. I miss Colorado. I hate everything here - it's horrible. I miss the life I had. I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

It's like a mantra for me these days. And my medicine isn't helping. I have more bad days than good. I'm going to quit this school. But then what?

Ya. Then what?

Song -

Autumn Leaves by Ed Sheeran
Little bird by Ed Sheeran

Raining Incessant (A Poem)

Just a little about me for the time being. My new medicine has reduced my ability to stop myself from crying - like for anything at all. I can't hold the tears back, even if nothing is bothering me at all. This is how the poem arose.

RAINING INCESSANT
A frustrating development
Of constant raining from my eyes
It's like the Hoover Dam has broken
Let loose its floods of water

Why can't I hold it back
My hands, my will, are futile walls
Little barriers which do not
Give the rush a single pause

The constant rain, flooding the valley
Prevents me living normally
Who wants to be near monsoon weather
Always making big from none

Yep, just another pain in the ass development from my depression medicine. Happy happy joy joy. Lol. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing great!

Oh wait! Music.

Songs of the day are . . . *drumroll*
Everything's Gonna Be Alright by Bob Marley
Every time I breathe by Big Daddy Weave

And how about a picture?? Isn't Zulu such a pretty dog? Lol. Ta for now dear readers!

Jitters.

http://thesleepingtypewriter.wordpress.com/

This Poem, posted on my poetry blog above ^ is as follows:

JITTERS
Pins and needles in my legs
Telling me to move
Little runners in my limbs
Continue to reprove

They push and urge my body
To do all but stay still
And all the things I try to do
Are hard for me to will

These wells, these empty pockets
Which keep myself from full
Prevent me even writing neat
Keep me from being cool

I’m like a puppet on the strings
Of Parkinson’s disease
Even my mind is shaky and
My thoughts they will not cease

So how am I to find some peace
How am I to think
When thoughts elude like squirrels
And calm stays on the brink.

***Hey all, ya it’s been a while. This is not completely how I wanted it to be, but I can’t sit still long enough to fix it. Hope you like it! ts.t.***


As I stated in my A/N, I can't seem to get my body under control. I blame my medicine. I don't even feel like my eyes can focus, which is really annoying. Makes writing papers for school annoyingly difficult, since I can't concentrate. Anyway, got that done. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Ta for now!

Song of the day:
Love Grows by Edison Lighthouse
Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Hope y'all enjoy!

Ambien . . . ramblings.

So this is typed up from last night, I wrote it on paper:

Took my dose of ambien at about 815 and it is now close to 1030. I'm still awake. In fact, I feel alert, not drowsy like I've been all day. What the fuck? A sleep medicine that is supposed to 'knock you out' that makes me feel awake. This is ridiculous. I followed the life counselor's (what a name) suggestions. No electronics after 7pm, I read a book instead. And I'm writing my thoughts to get them out. Still awake.

I was excited for this KO effect, doubly excited. And yet I'm awake, alert, unable to contemplate sleep much less do it. And Brock is fast asleep, snoring happily. I'm jealous. Very jealous. I just want to be normal. Sleep like a healthy normal person. Not worry about depression or side effects or drug reactions to alcohol.

It's a frustrating shame. It gives me a headache. The list of 'to-dos' I came up with while trying to sleep is quite long. And I'm still thinking. I'm gonna go give it another shot.

I can yawn - does that mean I can sleep? Probably not. But I can't sit up all night. I have a large list of things to do tomorrow. Joy. Sweet sleeping - fingers crossed.


Turns out, I wasn't able to sleep. I got up at 5 am, after deciding I was tired of to trying to snooze. I almost think the ambien missed my mouth when I took it lol. Anyway, gonna try it again tonight and see if last night was a fluke. My sister is going to be here in an hour (hopefully) and she'll be visiting for a while, finally.

So yeah, that's all for now. I'm bored. Good-bye.

Song: We Looked Like Giants by Death Cab for Cutie
and also, I was Made for Sunny Days by the Weepies.

Have a fabulous day! Ta!