What if?

As I tried to fall asleep last night, I had a waking-dream, a lingering question.

What if I had decided to live with my father instead of my mom? What if I had?

Would I be better off, in every way? I almost think I would have. I almost wish I would have.

But then, I never would have met all of the people that I did.

Of course, then I have to ask myself, what if the people I would have met, if I'd stayed in Texas, what if they would've been better? What if, in staying down there, I had a hundred less obstacles to get around just to get where I want to go?

I almost think, I almost believe, that that might be true. But then I remember that my father hasn't spoken to me in five years. And then, then I remember that he lied to me about so many things, most importantly, that he loved me. Yeah, I almost believe he might've been the better parent to stay with, until I remember that. And then, I wonder, if either of my parents ever loved me at all, or if I was just their way of getting back at the other. And then, then I wonder what it is I'm supposed to do now.

But I can imagine where I would've have gone, each day, what things I might have done. I think I would have grown in more ways than I have living here. If I had stayed down there, I'm certain I would be more of an adult than I am now. I would be outside more, I would have a job, I'd be more secure in myself, I think. I don't believe my father would have abandoned me to his selfish impulses the way my mother has, I don't believe he would have set me out to do all of this on my own. I don't believe I will ever get any of that back. My mother pushes people away because she prefers to do things on her own, and then she complains about being alone. She talks about how she has sacrificed all of her life to take care of us, when she could have easily shared and had help from another. I think she would rather I didn't have a father, because she is afraid that he would be better than she ever was. I think she's afraid that I would like him. But she did her best to turn me against him, didn't she? And now, now I haven't got either of them. I just, I wish I didn't have to be here.