Morning - done.

I feel a sense of, well not really futility, but almost. What on earth am I supposed to do? I mean, of course I'm going to stay home, do I honestly sound like the kind of person who will struggle to find a way to go to school when I never really want to go? I have the opportunity to stay home, and not of my own reasons.

I want to cry for some reason, and yet I'm also thinking up what I will say to L. if she brings up how I shouldn't be staying home so often, I'll go over my days, how stupid I'm being, and so on, and I'm imagining a sharp rebuttal. In my head, I get angry at her. You know what? That's called 'displacement.' Yay, psychology does have some bloody relevance in my life, and it seems I do have the ability to remember it and apply it. Yes, straight face to write this. No, this doesn't make much sense.

I find getting angry is so much better than getting sad, yelling infinitely preferable to crying. But, don't you need something to yell at, someone? I don't have anyone. Unless I yell at myself, or I yell at my cats. The latter of which doesn't really deserve it, the former I'm not so sure about. But in either cases, will it be altogether sane if I do so at random? Especially if I've been crying. No. Not really. But what the hell am I supposed to do?

My mom is drunk, unable to drive me to school. I hate asking for rides, I hate asking for favors, and I really hate letting other people know how fucked up my life is. Wouldn't it be the best option if I simply pretend like today was just another one of those days that I don't really want to go to school. Fuck, now I'm crying. And both my cats are staring at me. Always an audience when you least want it.

Deep breaths. I need to wake my sister now so she can get ready for work. She can't know that I've been crying. After all, mommy says don't let her know. Don't let her know that I have to stay home because she has to drink. Fuck. Why does this have to seem so hard?