Dorothy Parker

And this is why she's one of my favorite poets.

Resume
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Folk Tune
Other lads, their ways are daring:
Other lads, they're not afraid;
Other lads, they show they're caring;
Other lads - they know a maid.
Wiser Jock than ever you were,
Will's with gayer spirit blest,
Robin's kindlier and truer, -
Why should I love you the best?

Other lads, their eyes are bolder.
Young they are, and strong and slim,
Ned is straight and broad of shoulder,
Donald has a way with him.
David stands a head above you,
Dick's as brave as Lancelot, -
Why, ah why, then, should I love you?
Naturally, I do not.

If ever you can find her book, Enough Rope, read it cover to cover. She's the best.

And one last one:

News Item
Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.


. . . damn. ;)