Depression is . . .

So if you've been reading my blog for a while you probably know that I have been dealing with depression for quite a few years now.

The medicine I've been on has worked and also hasn't. I've only just started taking a new medicine to see if it can help - it works pretty well, but the doctor is still adjusting it because I'm still not feeling tip-top.

And I'd like to clear up a misconception about depression I suppose.

For me, it's not completely "I'm sad I can't do anything blah blah." Goodness knows it can be that way a lot. It's not necessarily a "I wanna kill myself" type of depression.

For me, depression involves being tired all the time, wanting to sleep no matter what needs doing. For me, depression involves me being irritable. Anything and everything can set me off to being, as Brock calls it, 'cranky.'

I usually just say that I'm "Frustrated at everything right now" which usually causes me to snap at someone. Typically these days it's either Zulu or Brock, since they're the only ones I see on a regular basis. Or people on the road while I'm driving lol.

So yeah, when you think of depression don't automatically think of being sad. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain, not a gene that makes you sad no matter what. For some it is that way, but for me at least it's not.

The way I recognize it is if I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm being forced to act a certain way by my brain, a way contrary to what I feel like doing or how I feel like acting. I know I'm irritable for absolutely no reason, I know I cry spontaneously for no particular reason (and believe me, anything sets me off) and I cry for maybe a few seconds and a minute later I'm perfectly fine.

I've always thought maybe I'm bipolar, but that's manic depression anyway, so what difference does it make? Doctors call it depression, I'm not manic, but I'm not normal.

I'm not me.

And not being me has caused a lot of problems in my life. So if you feel the way I've described, then you have to do something about it now before it causes the kind of problems that I have had. Depression is not fun, and the side effects are especially not fun. Side effects which affect your life and those around you. If the people who know you don't know or realize what your depression means, you can end up driving them away.

I'm lucky to have a husband who understands completely the way my depression affects me, and doesn't take a lot of it to heart. Any other man would have run long before this. But not him.

Life is a riddle, love is a puzzle, and only your brain can make any sense of it. So long as it's functioning in tip-top shape. Which mine hasn't been for a while now. Don't wait, do.

Action speaks louder than words, but action can save what words might destroy.

Well, that's all for my philosophy. If you can call it that. I'm done, ta for now. Have a good day!

Irony

Irony: The single most misunderstood word in the English language.

Hell, even I don't understand it half the time.

So I shall put up a line from the "ParaNorman" movie:

"An animal rescue van ran over my dog and killed him."

Now that's ironic. A van meant to save animals went and killed one instead.

Get it? Ya, I still don't most of the time either lol.

Hello

So for those who aren't reading my other blog, rewriting my book is coming along great.

I'm already past 12k words, and still chug-a-lugging along. :)

Just thought I'd share. Even though my fingers keep trying to insert their own special spellings of words, I am still keeping up with it.

Scaling the Mountain - A Journey to a Novel

My definition

Snacking: the inability to interpret the brain's "I want!" so you throw all manner of things at it until it finally shuts up.

Just a thought.

How long does it take to remember that you don't need to care what some people think?

Not as long as it takes to remember that some people don't think about you at all.

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

Today, I will simply post the song, "I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath.
I believe this song exemplifies (for some reason I like that word lately) a little of my feelings about my past, and how I see me today.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was.

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around to forgiving you
Some time ago
And I never got to tell you.

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was.

You were there you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you.

I'm thinking it's a funny thing
I figured out I could say
Now I'm not who I was.

I write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was.

I was thinking maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name.

Hello.

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it up
Maybe that's what love is all about.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was.

Blowing Steam.

Here is my time to blow some steam.

I sent an email to my professor asking for assistance in understanding and clarifying what exactly she wanted out of me for the assignment. I was very polite. I asked, I finished with thank you and much appreciation.

I received an email with rudeness in each word. "It sounds as though you haven't read anything at all." "I can't give you another student's work" (I asked for a previous student's assignment that she thought exemplified the assignment and its requirements, since her example wasn't helping me).

Blah blah blah. I am really quite pissed off and irritated. I have never had a professor respond to me with such a tone before. Needless to say, I will not be asking her for help anymore. Guess I'm on my own now with this class.

And I hate marketing. Oh, I forgot to mention, it's a marketing class.

Yay. Not.

By the way, why is it so difficult for people to spell things correctly?

Some words I have seen:
exacteley
Referencies
there for both their and they're, in the same paper multiple times.

Why does it have to be rude to correct someone's spelling and grammar?

Anyway, Brock and I have started the Insanity program. We're on day 3 I believe, and it's definitely hard as hell lol. Well, I'm tired of typing. There's my update. I hope everyone is having a great day!