YaY!

I just met my new roommate! I'm excited, like, REALLY excited. :D

She sounds pretty cool, and reminds me a lot of one of my best friends. Which is absolutely awesome. Turns out, the reason she never replied to my emails were because she never checks her email.

*jumps up and down with glee*

This has truly made my day. I can't stop grinning.

I was so petrified that I was going to get a surly roommate for next year. Turns out I'm not.

Yay! ;)

Ta for now!

Wow.

It really hit me last night. Hard.

I haven't cried like that in a while.

I'm sure the book I was reading didn't help, because it gave me a whole other perspective to view this from, and a whole other kind of future to envision. (Dear John by Nicholas Sparks, by the way.)

I can't wait for his first letter. I can't wait to see him in five months.

I really hope . . . I don't know. I hope time flies, I hope he doesn't forget me, I hope he doesn't change too much.

He knows me better than anyone else. He knows more about me than anyone, he knows things I haven't told another soul.

It hurts to know he's somewhere else, and I can't make sure he's okay.

Right now, all I can do is write. Write until I see him again.

Write - until it all goes away.

Because, maybe I love him. Or maybe, maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I just need something to cling to, or a reason to push other guys away.

But, when he was on his way to the airport, he texted me "I really was contemplating on whether or not to kiss you on monday" among many other things I don't feel like divulging.

Who can I talk to about this, though? Who would understand what I'm not even sure I do?

I know he's one of my best friends. But . . . is he more?

I can picture being at the airport when he gets back. I can picture what we might do when he gets here in December. I can picture all the letters. And yet, I'm absolutely ready to be disappointed. It always happens that way.

Anyway. I need to stop wallowing. My life is not over, and I will survive.

Ta for now.

***On a side note, updating you here in 2013 long after this post was originally written: The guy I am talking about in this post, we did start dating, and now, he is my husband. We'll be celebrating our third year anniversary in October. Thought you'd like to know. :) ***

Short Update

My mom has decided to stop talking to me, all because I don't want my brother to move into our house (after she bailed him out of jail). She's avoiding me as well. She hasn't spoken to me for about six days now. What a child, huh?

One of my best friends just left for boot camp. I won't see him for another five months.

I've just learned who my new roommate for college will be. She honestly doesn't seem like she's either nice, like we have anything in common, or like we'll get along all that well. Oh well. I suppose I'll see, if she ever decides to email me back.

I'm bored out of my mind, and a little sad. The house is quiet. And I'm currently reading far too many books at the same time.

What a life.

Oh well.

PS>

My mom did bail on me after all, on the fourth of july.

I never added that on, did I.

She started making some pineapple cookies, got a call from him, and -

Well, you get the picture don't you.

I had to make the rest of them for her. I didn't finish baking and frosting those cookies 'til 2:30 in the morning, and then she came home half an hour later, drunk, scarfs down about four cookies, and stumbles to bed.

Staying up late tonight, and a few nights before this as well, I've seen her come home drunk EVERY time.

Such a role model. Oh yes, something to look forward to emulating.

Not.

She's just one of many examples of who I don't want to be.

I wonder.

Is it just me who thinks Daniel Radcliffe is gay?

I don't know.

I can't look at a picture of him and not think so.

Perhaps I'm just mean.

Rupert is absolutely gorgeous, and Emma is beautiful, of course, but seriously, I do think Dan is gay.

And I can't look at a picture of him and think otherwise.

Oh well.

Happy Fourth of July.

Please tell me why it has to hurt so much more when it's family that stands you up.

Tonight it feels like the last straw.

I'm so exhausted from my hiking trip, and last night when I got back, after I sent M. a letter saying I needed to think about what he's said, he replied with a letter saying he was stupid, indecisive, and a dumbass for not asking me out when he physically had a chance, and then followed that letter up with another telling me "never mind" and that he works too much as it is so we should just forget even trying. And that's a good thing, but it just feels like another kick in the ribs.

My sister just bailed on me for 4th of July, and I know that if my mom's boyfriend was in town, she would too, if she isn't going to tonight as it is.

I feel like my self-esteem is at another low tonight.

If things weren't pointless enough as it is, this has only shown me just how much I'm wasting my time.

She (for liz) - Parachute
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
Where is the love? - Black Eyed Peas
Still Ain't Over You - Augustana
Shattered - OAR
Always on my Mind - Phantom Planet
Gravity - The Fold
Up Against the Wall - Boys Like Girls
Drive Away - All American Rejects

For the day.

M. sent me a letter yesterday at about 11. I only got to read it momentarily before I went to bed.

Guess what it said?

"So, basically I realized I probably screwed up everything. I ruined it and messed everything up. I was stupid to never act and I will understand if you have moved on. I hope that I can have another chance to make things right."

(sigh)

What do I do? Honestly. Because I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I'm helping my sister move today. I still don't have my notebook (and I left it at my grandma's over a week ago), and dear god, it is killing me. I'm at the point where I'm even considering using the unlined sketch notebook, that U. got me for my birthday, to write in. Is that desperate or what? But this lack of my notebook is squashing my inspiration quite effectively. Frustrating.

My book list for next year costs about 300+ dollars, not to mention the HUGE list of stuff I need to buy for the dorm. On the bright side, I found some extra-long twin sheets at Target, in a color I can stand. So now I don't have to buy them from the school in bizarre colors combinations.

Another plus: my sister's new apartment has a storage space. Now, I have a place where I can put my all of my books and stuff while I'm in the dorms. Such a relief, I have to admit.

My mom told me that she'll keep my cat when I go to the dorms, which is a HUGE relief. I didn't know what I was going to do with him when I moved, and I didn't want to take him to the pound or give him to someone new (who would have probably been out of state, since it was my stepdad who was offering to find him a new home). As for my other cat, the more unruly one, I still don't know.

My room is an utter mess, and I'm making NO progress on my book, or writing in general. Not to mention, my research is at a stand-still.

I've been sorta-chatting on Facebook with a guy who's going to Rocky next year. He's pretty cool, but he's also under the misconception (no matter how many times I've tried to tell him otherwise) that I'm "tiny." We're the same height, and he's about forty pounds lighter than me, and he keeps telling me that "he's fat." I feel like there's some role-reversal in play right here, but maybe that's just me. Ah well, he's good to talk to, in any case. Very flattering, lol, as well as good motivation. Can't wait to meet him in person come August.

Anyway, I have to get ready now. Time is running out for the morning.

Ta.