Emptiness.

There isn't anything there.

It's an emptiness, and I can feel it.

A nothingness, and I haven't got a clue how to fill it.

I suppose there's a reason I've always hated summer the most, because it all seems so pointless, now it's brought to my attention.

And if it's pointless, what am I to do?

Too much is starting to feel out of my control. There isn't anything behind it all, and that's what drives me to this.

I'm starving, but I'm not hungry. I'm tired, exhausted, worn out, but I can't fall asleep. I'm thirsty, but I refuse to drink anything.

But really, I'm just frustrated. I'm so lost, right now, and I haven't a clue why. Worst of all, I have no idea how to find my way back.

I'm afraid this will persist even when school starts at the end of August.

Even more, though, I'm absolutely terrified that, instead of finding my way out of this, I'll just give up.

And (what I don't want to think about) what actually happens when I do?

All I know is, it's making me angry, this nothingness. All I know is, it's killing me inside, this emptiness. Hollowed out. Eaten from within.

Self-pity, I loathe it. What if that's what I'm feeling? Am I a hypocrite then? Or maybe that isn't it. I don't know. I just feel pathetic, and boneless, and pointless, and infuriated at myself and everything around me.

I'm killing myself slowly and I don't even know why.

And at this very moment, no matter what anyone says to me, all I want to do is tell them to just 'fuck off.' I know I can't, but I want to.

And the worst part is, I can't even write. And that, that kills me more than anything else combined.

Quiet.

I feel strangely alone today. Alone, and I suppose, lonely.

I've been trying to read, trying to not be an emotional eater, and listening to a bunch of Mozart and Bach, as well as Ingrid Michaelson. Nothing seems to sound good to me today.

I want silence, but I can't stand the sound.

This is all rather silly.

- - -

I'm Not Alright - Sanctus Real



I don't feel like typing up a post. But I thought it would be nice to let some of the world know that I'm still here.

I'm gonna go take a walk now.

Oh, and don't read too much into the song. It was just the first one I could find to listen to this morning. And if it works because it says what I feel, when I don't know what I feel right now, then yay, I guess I'm that good.

Ta, now.

Update, if anything.

I don't really have anything to say.

I got a new phone, an actual real one, instead of that old tracphone I had.

And now, apparently, U. feels free as a bird to text me for hours. We talk through texting, which isn't so bad. But he told me that apparently he and his girlfriend have already told each other they love each other. . . friends or not, I don't want to hear it. (sigh)

Ah well. I'll live.

Anyway, I had a dream about my dad last night. And so far we've exchanged some emails, which is way more than has been in a long while.

Anyway, that's all. I'm going to go nurse my knee, which has a cut on it thanks to my cats. I just know it'll leave a scar. (sigh) I hate it when they gang up on me and I walk into the corner of my desk, lol.

Such is life.

Ta!

Happy Birthday to me . . .

Is it wrong to feel jealous?

I hate being the third wheel out. Or was it fifth wheel? Either way, it was me and other couples.

The night sky just isn't as beautiful that way.

And in the end, I'm still cold, aren't I? When the breeze rustles through the trees overhead, and caresses my face as though it knows why I have my back to them, when it wraps itself around me as I walk away to the hammock twenty feet away, I'm still cold, am I not?

And at the end of the night, when U. drops me off last and gives me a hug, it doesn't seem so bad, and I feel lighter, and then I get back into my room, and realize - it still isn't the same.

One day, I will get this right before it's too late. One day, I won't be afraid to get it right the first time. And, one day, I won't have an excuse.

That day seems far off, though.

And I'm still cold, and I'm still alone.

I feel like I'm whining, now.

So goodnight.

My Sweet Song - Toby Lightman

I'm pretty sure now -

M. is gay.

Is it harsh to say it that way?

But I guess, it's partly true.

I just finished reading "A Clock Without Hands" by Guy Burt. It is amazing. And it had me crying towards the end. It took a while to get adjusted to the way it was written, how it seems to jump between four different times in the main character's life, but it's really good. I think it was the perfect thing for me to have read at just this moment in my life. It deals with a lot of stuff I've been thinking about lately, especially how a lot of us only seem to live in the past. What I mean is, I only ever understand things after I have no way to change them, to fix them. So, we get lost in the past, finally piecing things together, while we continue to struggle to wade through the present, while life before us continues to puzzle us completely. It also deals with a lot of other things, some that were just so heartbreaking to read. But it was perfect for right now.

Anyway.

It's my birthday today.

It should be a good thing, but instead, it feels just like all the others. Everyone's life continues on the way they're going, and this day doesn't change a thing. My birthday has never been this great big special thing, so, I suppose, that's how I have come to see it. But that doesn't stop the anticipation, as if I'm still hoping that something might happen. That isn't likely though. And I don't really expect it anymore. Everyone is always busy with work and life, I'm just a second thought anymore, if that.

Oh, and I got an email from my dad last night. I read it today, and he wished me a happy birthday, as well as spouting a bunch of other stuff about how he prays for me everyday. He's an ordained minister, now. He took two months to reply to my letter, and the one I sent before that didn't even get a response. But he "loves" me. I'll tell you what, I feel the love.

I feel the love.

Ta.

Better, isn't it?

I feel light, right now. So . . . free. Lol.

My mind is focused on "PS I Love You." You know the movie? (It makes me a little bit melancholy, but that's okay.)

Well, I'm listening to the soundtrack (which is all fabulous music).

And the song 'More Time' by Needtobreathe is what I've been listening to with a lot of favoritism. Lol. Odd way to say that. In other words, I really like this song. As well as 'If I ever leave this world alive' by Flogging Molly. Great song as well.

Anyway. Starting the lengthy research on my book, now. Rented a huge, heavy stack of books from the library earlier today. Now, time to sift through it all. Fun stuff (no, not really sarcastic, kind of serious actually). And it would be even more fun if I didn't have to take such a long time to read it. I wish I read faster. *sighs* Oh well.

Alright. Now, I'm going to get off the computer and either a) sleep, or b) read and then fall asleep on my bed. Lol. I'm thinking probably the former, but who knows in life?

Like, did I expect U. to come out and start dating one of my friends (who I'm going to college with in the fall)? Or, did I expect M. to post a note on facebook saying he has (and I quote exactly) "fallen too hard and too fast for someone" that he has known only "for a very short time, weeks in fact." I mean, I knew he didn't really like me, but wow. Plus, there goes Mr. Inarticulate spouting what could morph into agonized, unrequited love poetry quite easily. Makes me feel rather, well, put out. I guess. I mean, I don't like him, but I can't help feeling like a two-year old, throwing a little temper tantrum, stamping my foot and shouting "Why couldn't I have made him do that?!" Lol. Sad.

But, things are resolved this way, which is what I wanted. And I'm happy for it.

Now, I can get on with focusing on my life, and getting things done.

YES!

Lol. Ta!

Drunken Lullabies - Flogging Molly (don't ya just love them?) ;)