Where to start?

Oh boy, where oh where do I begin to tell you all that has happened these past few days?

I suppose I could start at the very beginning, and hope I don't forget anything, or leave important details out. So, prior warning, this post will be long, make sure you have 1) enough interest to sustain you, 2) enough time to sit and read forever, and 3) a frown, a smile, and advice at the ready.

Okay, by days, this is what happened.

Wednesday:
Day of the Senior Kisses, M. came to my locker between 3rd and 4th, and all he said was "Thank you for the kisses." It seemed like he wasn't affected at all by it, nothing really changed. That was also the day we (all of us in Latin) exchanged senior pictures. I felt suitably discluded when I had to wonder what it was that he wrote on B's card. And all that other suspicious/jealous feelings, you know.

Thursday:
Still nothing changed. Came to my locker as usual, but we walked (what felt like) rather quickly to our group of friends at their locker. Thus, in one-on-one time, there was hardly anything. That was also the day I had planned to tell him what I was thinking. I had a nice little speech all organized in my thoughts, that would lay it all out - that I liked him, I thought he liked me, but I wasn't sure, yadda yadda yadda, we'd never see each other after high school if nothing happened, etc etc. But, no opportunities presented themselves. In Latin, it seemed like he was ignoring me. I think I probably felt hurt, but masking that was irritation. We took a test, and he kept helping B. I think that just really irked me, that whole resentful feelings, wounded animal, etc. When I was almost done with my test he asked me "Why are you mad?" I told him that I, well, couldn't tell him. He asked me "Why? Is it because you're mad at me?" I don't remember how I answered, probably "No." but nevertheless, he stayed quiet for the remainder of class. After class, however, when we got out into the hall, he goes "You know you can tell me. Doctor M. is here to listen." When I told him "I don't know. I don't even think I can put it to words. I don't even know myself. et cetera." I don't really know exactly what I said, but essentially, that I couldn't even describe it in my head, so I had no idea how to begin to tell him. He said okay, but to message him on Facebook if I figured it out. Then we said goodbye.

At about 5 o'clock that night, I wrote up what I had wanted to say to him, my little speech, and I emailed it to him (on facebook, of course). I heard no response from him that night, and I assumed that he either 1) never read it, 2) never got it, or 3) didn't like me back, or even 4) would tell me what he wanted to at school the next day.

But, FRIDAY:
He did nothing. I never saw him between 2nd and 3rd period, but he came to my locker between 3rd and 4th. Still, though, he didn't do anything. He didn't act like anything was different. It was our last day of school ever. But still, he didn't do anything. He had a different lunch period than me, but he also was a teacher aid during my lunch. When he persuaded his teacher to let him have second lunch as well, he showed up at my locker. We had lunch with everyone else, sat next to each other on the front lawn, etc. Come Latin, we sat there, it was boring, he asked for a hug from another girl in our class. It certainly hurt when he didn't ask for one from me. To me, it felt like a blatant message, a sort of "I don't like you. Do you see? If I did, I would have asked for one from you, too." It was also confusing, because it seemed like he liked me earlier. And honestly, it ruined the rest of my day. I'll be frank about that.

After school, I was standing by my friend's lockers. Again, feeling left out. Not feeling the whole "YAY! This is my last day of school, I'm so excited, I'm going to miss you, blah blah blah." No, I just felt disconnected. U. (from all those posts before, you don't remember him, I'm sure), well, I don't know if I like him really too much, he isn't my type, he likes to do the whole show-off, macho guy thing. But he's a good guy, I think. Well, he asked for a hug. THe only hug I got the entire day. Still, in the end, I didn't want to mooch a ride off of someone, so I decided to walk home instead. 3.5 miles. It was hot. Like, 90 degrees hot. But I got to think. Then, when I got home, I drank a lot of water, and lay down on my bed, listening to some music, almost falling asleep. Mom came home, made some dinner, and I was sitting on the couch when U. called and asked if I wanted to go have dinner with a him and bunch of others.

This is where the story is going to become confusing, for me (mostly), as well as you, since you don't know the background on U.

So, I'm going to take a break, and write it in another post.

Whatever.

Oh just forget it all.

Tomorrow's my last day of school.

Nothing has changed.

Everything is different.

I'll write something later when I feel like writing at all.

Some comic relief,

because it seems like we all need it.

This is a hilarious twist to a modern classic. :D

My dreams - not so sweet.

I had nightmares last night. And I mean, scary dreams. The first one actually woke me up and freaked me out until I realized it was just my cat's leg that was touching my arm, and not some stranger in my bed. You can sort of imagine what that dream was about, then.

I'm so tired, though. So very tired.

But I have to get ready for school.

So, I'll talk to ya later, dear reader.

Don't run away.

Oh,

I forgot to mention.

First of all, apparently my vacation with my sister is delayed to an indeterminate time because my mother has demanded that my sister move out by month's end.

What's going to happen to my cat when my mother decides to forget she ever had kids? When she finally throws everything away, and gives everything up, and leaves?

Also, I started working on my book again. Three days, and I will have unlimited time to do so.

I really just want to crwal into bed and close my eyes and feign comfort. Though I hate self-pity, I really do feel pathetic right now.

Oh what a night for complaints. Sleep well and sweet dreams, whomever and wherever you are.

I thought.

I feel rather depressed tonight.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Not enough time in the day to figure things out. I think I might stay up later tonight to do something along those lines. Maybe even all night.

I feel like I lost six hours, though, six crucial hours. And I really don't want to do any of the things I have planned after school for the next two days. It doesn't feel like they're in the same reality as the one I find myself floating in.

The worst part is, I can imagine M.'s arm around me.

Fuck. What have I done to myself?

Oh, and here is a poem. Sorry I'm so depressing today, and this week. I really did feel great this morning, now I just want to cry - and not just because of him, more because of me, and how I can't seem to control some of my more unthinking impulses.

Before you try and attribute today's feelings to the words you're about to read, I wrote this a few days ago. Anyway, read on.

I (Lost) You

I lost the meaning of ‘you’
In the desert of my mind
Parched from love and time
Aged and wearied by cliché.

I spent a sleepless night
To contemplate the past
And found again that I, still,
Do not know that much.

Everything about you fades
Except for points of light
Your eyes stay still as vibrant
But you do not shine with life.

Guilty for the pretense
Of hating before knowing
Of trying to ignore, and mostly
Pushing you away . . .

My heart will not forget it
Though my image of you fades
Guilt and regret grow with the love –
The ending stays the same.

O.O

I should have written a post this morning. It would have been about ten times peppier. Lol.

I was in such a great mood when I woke up this morning. I couldn't stop grinning ear-to-ear, maybe a couple of jumps, squeals, laughter, etc. Why? Not sure, really, not sure at all.

But I had such fabulous energy when I woke up. And even though I didn't get to bed until a little after midnight, I was so awake. I love that feeling.

I still have my finals this week, and that means I have to study. Hmph. Oh well. It's worth it.

According to my English teacher, they hand out most of the Senior "Kisses" during first period. You know what? When she said that? My eyes grew - wide. Very. I'm absolutely terrified, and having some major doubts about whether or not he still likes me. I want to go for the coward's way out and just tell myself that he likes B. now, just like some other girl, who I know and loathe, told me he does. But I know I don't believe her, I absolutely can't. It goes against my principles. I don't account feelings to one person based on what another person (who doesn't know them) thinks. Gossip is degrading, especially if you listen.

I won't bow down to low self-esteem. I battled that crap years ago, I won't succumb to it now.

And besides, you only get two choices in life. You can either jump into things headlong or skulk away silently. I refuse to run, I refuse to hide, I need to create who I'll be when I'm done with high school - and a coward isn't high on my list of identities. Anyway.

I got his senior photo today, and he wrote a note on the back (because everybody does that). He essentially said, "You are so amazingly talented and I wish you all the luck and happiness you can achieve!" And then signed it "Love, M."

I don't want to be one of those girls who analyze every word, applying meaning that isn't there. So, I won't. But, if he didn't like me, would he have written 'love'?

Ah hell, I don't know. I won't think about it. In fact, I'm going to do something else instead.

I'm not going to think about how he didn't write 'stay in touch' or any nonsense like that. I'm not going to wonder if he got me a Senior "Kiss" or anything else.

I'm going to read/write some poems, read a book, study my math a little, drink some water, listen to my music, and sleep. Then, I'll get up in the morning, and figure things out as I go.

That's the way life ought to go.

If you overanalyze, then you're bound for nothing but endless thinking and your own private hell.

I'll keep you updated, though, on how things do go, if they go. If not, you'll hear, no doubt. :D

Ta!