I never realized. . .

how much some things matter, and how little some do.

As I walked out of school yesterday, surprisingly warm in the chill weather, I finally realized something. I finally feel like a senior. I finally feel like I might be growing up. I don't know. Perhaps I over-exaggerate. But yesterday, as I crossed the snow-covered road and opened the small, metal gate, and walked down the sidewalk toward my house, I finally felt older. I felt calm. I felt above it all. Not to say nothing mattered, but simply that nothing felt as huge as it once did. Everything seemed smaller, I felt taller, and things seemed manageable for once. And I really do feel taller. I feel as though I've finally shed the skin of that teenager I once was, ready to throw my shoulders back and lift my chin and say "To hell with it, bring it on." Nothing is impossible, anymore.

Again, I believe I over-exaggerate, but still. Thursday I taught myself to understand my math homework, and I did. I learned it, and I finished my homework, and I took my test. And I felt confident doing it. It was amazing, remarkable. I have no words.

Another point, instead of fearing college, I'm almost anxious for it. I want to just get it over with. Or at least, the first awkward week or so. I just want to finish growing up and get it over with.

Since it's official that I am one of ten valedictorians at my school, and we had a meeting with the principal on Friday, I now have the option of doing a speech, or not, in front of the entire class and everyone else who decides to attend graduation. Um, intimidating much? I'm halfway confident that I could write a decent speech, I'm not anywhere near to being sure if I would be able to deliver it. I have a hard enough time with a single class of less than thirty people. Try a class of 379, all of their parents, and a large portion of the faculty of my school. Shit. That sounds a lot. *clears throat* Well, I have (counts on fingers) three months to figure it out, don't I?

Anyway, I have to go get ready now. I have to be decent by 6:30, while still reading the book I started this afternoon. Which gives me about two and a half hours. Oh dear. That could be problematic. But it's nothing, in the long run. I can do this. It's a drop of water in the ocean.

So say it with me, "Bring it on." (And no, we really really really aren't thinking about that movie of a similar title. Unfortunately, it just popped into my head, and damn it all if I will think about it any longer. Cliched phrase, but that tends to happen when people have been thinking and talking and writing for well over two thousand years. Sometimes, you've really got nothing else but cliched phrases in this world. *sighs* Enough rambling, time to go.)

;)

As I said before, and maybe I'll believe it now: everything will work out in the end, everything'll be alright. I just never realized it before.

I wonder, is it just me who finds some of the music I listen to ironic, considering what I actually believe in? It's a good song, though. I hold no prejudices against something that might make me feel better. It's something I couldn't do.

for today . . .

I can't say I know how it feels. I really don't. But the hard part is that I have the imagination to know, to see how I would feel. All I can say is, if it hurts me this much now, how much does it hurt them? And to think, I wanted to do this, almost did this, once.

Ignore me for now. It's okay.

If life is fleeting, save those moments for those you care about. Don't let a second go to waste.

Truly, still?

I feel like something is missing.

Can I say only this? After everything that has happened?

It feels like too little, and too much.

I'm on repeat. Forgive me.

I need to get some sleep. It's barely nine o'clock, but I feel I should get to sleep.

I need to think, and I need to think up a different bloody phrase. I'm being selfish, this isn't what people want to think about at the moment.

Yes. That's it, now I think on it. I feel extremely self-centered at this very moment. I feel juvenile. I'll go to bed.

I hope things work out. Not just for me.

I'm very contemplative tonight. Perhaps I'll figure something out. If I do, I'll let you know. Guaranteed, I'll let you know.

Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Multivitamin A-Zinc. Huh.

I feel like I'm bobbing aimlessly in the middle of the sea. I have to mentally tell myself to do something. I don't really know what to do. I'm not hungry, yet I know I have to eat. I don't have to get ready, yet I have to maintain the outward appearance of everything being just as it always is, of everything being fine, so that my sister doesn't suspect.

Eat breakfast, take a vitamin, get dressed, make lunch, etc.

Let everything go on as if it's normal . . . as usual, there is no normal.

It feels as though everytime I finally get ahead, I get bumped back another few spaces. I have to mentally exhaust myself just to maintain where I'm at, and physically drain myself just to get ahead. And it's sad how true that is. I need to stop wallowing. I just have to stay . . . dry, until my sister leaves. That's about half an hour. Then I can have my little sobbing session, and get on with my day. I need to do something, anything. Just something to keep me busy. Something, something, something. Like typing. Perhaps I'll write on my book. Or write a poem. Yeah, a happy one, I can do that . . . I think. Or email my teachers, ask them for homework. Well, not really ask for homework, but ask what we're doing in class today, that I'll miss, or rather, that I won't be there to do. I won't really miss it, personally. But it is busy work, so maybe in a way I do miss it.

Shit. I'm not making any sense, and I probably sound as if I'm about to lose my mind, or blow my lid, or whatever that saying is. Perhaps I should go now. I'll update eventually, so you'll know whether I've suddenly gone insane or not. For now, I need to find some sort of alternative to listening to music until my MP3 is charged. Damn. I knew I should have charged it last night when it died. No matter. I'll survive, I always do, somehow. I just wish I knew how.

Morning - done.

I feel a sense of, well not really futility, but almost. What on earth am I supposed to do? I mean, of course I'm going to stay home, do I honestly sound like the kind of person who will struggle to find a way to go to school when I never really want to go? I have the opportunity to stay home, and not of my own reasons.

I want to cry for some reason, and yet I'm also thinking up what I will say to L. if she brings up how I shouldn't be staying home so often, I'll go over my days, how stupid I'm being, and so on, and I'm imagining a sharp rebuttal. In my head, I get angry at her. You know what? That's called 'displacement.' Yay, psychology does have some bloody relevance in my life, and it seems I do have the ability to remember it and apply it. Yes, straight face to write this. No, this doesn't make much sense.

I find getting angry is so much better than getting sad, yelling infinitely preferable to crying. But, don't you need something to yell at, someone? I don't have anyone. Unless I yell at myself, or I yell at my cats. The latter of which doesn't really deserve it, the former I'm not so sure about. But in either cases, will it be altogether sane if I do so at random? Especially if I've been crying. No. Not really. But what the hell am I supposed to do?

My mom is drunk, unable to drive me to school. I hate asking for rides, I hate asking for favors, and I really hate letting other people know how fucked up my life is. Wouldn't it be the best option if I simply pretend like today was just another one of those days that I don't really want to go to school. Fuck, now I'm crying. And both my cats are staring at me. Always an audience when you least want it.

Deep breaths. I need to wake my sister now so she can get ready for work. She can't know that I've been crying. After all, mommy says don't let her know. Don't let her know that I have to stay home because she has to drink. Fuck. Why does this have to seem so hard?

Last Song Goodnight.

A Lotta Nerve - Allister

Such a cute video. Break-ups. They certainly are entertaining sometimes.

Umm, yeah.

I'm getting six hours of sleep at night, on school nights. Yay. :) That is extremely sad that that's three hours more than I've been getting for the past four months or so, but oh well. At least I am.

I dropped my Physics for another Study Hall. I've figured, or estimated, that I would have to go to bed at 8 o'clock to get a normal amount of sleep. At least I can get a lot of my homework done at school, hopefully. Hm. That's an issue. But I'm working on it.

Slowly, but surely. I don't really have anything I want to talk about, actually. I just needed to update on my blog that I had finished reading Persuasion (by Jane Austen). That's exciting news. I've read all six of her books now. :D

I'm writing on my book again (The Leaves of Autumn) and I'm at about 220 pages now. Yay! Lol. I finally found the inspiration to write this one scene that is absolutely crucial and that I've been wanting to write for a long time, as it has been sitting, unformed, inside my head for months. :D Now it's written, or the beginning of it is.

What else. Some books that just crossed my mind, that are related to Jane Austen in a way. If you feel like it, read them.

Austenland - Shannon Hale
Enthusiasm - Polly Shulman

They're fabulous. But, you've got to read the Jane Austen's books. Though not necessarily to read those two, you just need a general idea of the names or what happened in her books (of which there are 6). :D They're not that bad. Mansfield Park is my favorite, next to Persuasion. I can't remember how much I liked Emma, Pride and Prejudice was okay (it's highly over-publicized), Northanger Abbey was really short, and Sense and Sensibility was long. They're all good, don't get me wrong, but, hey, a girl's gotta have her preferences. ;)

I haven't really got much else to say. This entire post feels like a book review, or something to that effect. I haven't really spent much time on the computer, and I don't really want to anymore. Just to write on my book.

Anyway, I have to go now. Homework, books, and music are calling. :D

Pain - Three Days Grace
The Show - Lenka
Stars - Switchfoot
Second Chance - Shinedown
In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer
Can't Smile Without You - Barry Manilow

Enjoy. :)